The crossroads

I am finally here, at the crossroad of our journey. It's been over 10 years and I just can't do it anymore, I am mentally drained, heart broken as each month passes, each test I take and feel as if I die inside with each ultrasound/baby shower/baby announcement that I see by people I know, or even a passerby. I've spent thousands on tests, drugs, herbal supplements without any success and I just can't do it anymore. As I drove in my car yesterday to Walmart I heard this song of the radio (link is below) and I feel like something clicked inside my soul, immediately I thought about our journey to be parents, the pain I have held deep inside of myself; feeling worthless, ugly, stupid and so on, I drive myself crazy with these thoughts all the time and honestly don't remember the person that I was when we started this journey, it's changed who I am what I want and what I do every day in so many ways.I felt like it was my "sign", my moment of truth...

I debated not writing this entry, today but after listening to the song last night, but I feel as if the lyrics came from my soul. I came home and cried, tears ran down my face and I felt relief, that I didn't know I could have. I've always been able to come up with the words to say, the stories to tell and the emotions to describe how I feel and what I want to say, but this time is not the same and I am out of words.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2U0Ivkn2Ds

Cd32 dpo14

Cd32

Dpo14

Whelp here I am again- Although Pearl Harbor day was yesterday is seems like today is my dday persay. 

I should be sleeping I have to study for two important finals on Monday and my left hand needs a rest since my ct is making my thumb go numb a lot today. Regardless here I am awake with my mind racing (and smelling a dog that is evidently trying to fogging me out of our bedroom that is laying somewhere near my head).

Not sure if I want to test today- according to ff and my fertailaid bottle isn't due for another two days if she is thinking about making regular visits from now on. Guess I'll try and sleep on it and make my decision in the morning when I get up. I opted to get some cbdigi ones when I was out Friday to use up some of my wags rr, I decided to go with them because I feel like I am just looking at a line that isn't there on my strips sometimes this will at least help with that, I just need to remember not to tear the test apart and to take whatever the test says as the real unbiased result.

Maybe the snow that is supposed to fall tonight is a sign of good things to come-

Or maybe it's just because I'm looking for a sign that's not meant to mean anything. Enough thinking it's time to sleep, will post my decision laster this moring. 

November Chart

Thought I would post this- so I could keep better track. My cd1 last month was 30 days exactly from when I started fertilaid. 

I'm on the right...

Ugh! Bfn yesterday and a new issue today... Cd29- 11dpo 

100 million and 1

It's been a crappy day- I needed a bit of humor.

 Had awful cramps for an hour or so last night took a pg test last night as well as tonight bfn. Noticed some spotting as well, just a few bright red drops when wiping after taking the test. I don't feel like af is about to come and if she is it's almost a week and a half early. I've been drained ever since our Missouri trip this week- I have zero energy and just want to sleep. I feel depressed hoebatly and think that the fatigue is coming from that- holidays make me sad after loosing my mom dec 23rd 1997- today is the 3 year anniversary of my Oscars passing- Lollie isn't doing so well- Josh's back is bothering him and he is going for tests next week and I am coming up on finals week. 

Dreams

Odd dream last night- I put on a shirt and I looked very pregnant with a large pregnancy belly and all- and for some reason dh and I were at the store buying baby girl clothing- I remember him pulling outfits off the rack and saying that some were super cute and he wanted to get my opinion and I said something about well we need to get some boy clothing as well but he gave me a weird look and then I woke up. I usually don't have vivid dreams like that. Someone told me a long time ago that when you dream about being pregnant that you either are pregnant or will be pregnant very soon, I would love for either of these to be true. The fluttering in my stomach a few minutes ago made somehow reminded me of the dream- now I am cd 12 and according to my ff chart and my ovulation history should be ovulating in the next two days. Like I needed something more to make me obsessed with this stupid cycle. Speaking of it's time for me to poas and see where my lh is today. Dh's back is killing him, he has a drs appt on the 21st and I am worried that they will tell him no bd and activities that pose stress on his back and then we waist another cycle- one that at least came on with fertilaid without any rx medications. Cross your fingers for us please! I slept though my abnormal psych class this am so I need to kick it in gear, hopefully i will be able to focus for the two other classes that I have today. Hope everyone has a great day!

Fertil 30

I've decided to call this our fertil 30 challenge because dh and I have been on fertilaid for 30 days. Dh is having some health complications that we hope are not periment and may stop using the fertilaid; we have yet to decide

If the new issues are due to the neurontin I am giving him for his back or due to the fertilaid either way he cannot go on having this side effect because I worry it will become periment. 

Today is day 30 for me and it looks like af is about to check out for a while- I've had really sharp pains in my lower left abdomen which are new to me hopefully it's just me being hypervilligant at the moment and nothing more.

I'd love to take a pain pull tonight the sudden hot to cold shift is really messing with my fibro. I tried to do some stretching and yoga tonight in the living room but I wasn't able to push myself enough to so something as simple as the sunsitation so I decided not to push myself anymore. 

Quick update

Blogger is annoying me it keeps deleting my posts when I hit submit so I'll make this short and post more tomorrow.

Started fertilaid for me 3 weeks ago last Thursday and ended up getting af Thursday it's just wow... I'm amazed.

Started dh on fertilaid for men not the special one just the man formulated version. 

Current plan- take one day at a time...

Will post more soon .

Eh could be worse

Holy crow my bbs hurt something awful. I threw on a shirt this morning minus a bra and my nips hurt like all get out when it touched them. I'm thinking af is going to make an appearance, my cer is in the "start" position as I call it. It seems as fertil aid is doing something at least; if it helps regulate my system I won't complain too much.

Empty nest

I wonder if you can consider the empty nest situation before you have kids- due to pcos and other interfility issues...

I've survived another season of the consignment children's sale that I help out with. Prior to this sale I disliked helping but with the new owners I didn't feel like an outcast without a child. Tonight since I volunteered for 10 shifts I was allwed to shop the VIP sale with 6 other people. I'm now the proud owner of a rainforest cradle swing (needs the ac adapted), an xl abc playpen with the optunal quilt, the rainforest bath bag and... An empty crib (which is an amazing 3 in one that came WITH the toddler rail) all of which will join my million other items in our 2nd bedroom. I paid 27.84 after my discounts, at least that I feel good about. 

Something inside me wants to tear that 2nd bedroom apart (we inherited some of my mil stuff when she sold he house and move to mo) and just idk just have if set up. It's a new feeling, yearning and I just hope I'm not setting myself up for failure. I truly had no intention to buy a crib and when I was volunteering for check in Sunday I didn't see a single one come in.

Tea for two and two for tea!

Day two, and I am swimming in a sea of loose leaf tea.

I started the fertility tea again yesterday in hopes it would help and that I would actually follow through on it. Worst thing is the taste, blech! I don't usually like tea unless it's cold sweet tea or cold flavored tea. Let me be honest with you about this it might say it is honey infused or whatever but it's horrid, I added some of the simply lemon packet into it in hopes it would help and it made it horribly bitter. This is the one time id like to say bless your heart you taste amazing. If your in the south you'll hopefully understand what I mean.

Barren

I need to vent for a moment and know some of you girls can relate. Pcos is driving me nuts and usually I can brush off all of the new baby showers and so forth so when we went to a last minute Las Vegas style justice of the peace marriage (yes 6 hours of planning) I didn't think about the children that would be there. The bride to be and her husband to be have a 5 month old little girl and two boys, I offered to watch her while they said I do so everyone in the family could take photos. This is where things go south. They need to go into the administration to pay and get things ready so her soon to be husband hands me their daughter Avery in her car seat carrier thing. I had promised myself I would not hold a baby in my arms; my heart just can't take it so when I was holding the carrier she was smiling up a storm and dh looks over *sigh* never seen that look in him, just his eyes spoke volumes. Next thing I know a little old lady who is going to the elevator walks over to me holding Avery in her little carrier and tells me that I have a beautiful little happy girl there. Insert my heart breaking into a million pieces. I held together for their ceremony dh had to leave early so it was just me on the way home, I made it to my car and bawled the entire drive home. I've tried not to stew on it tonight and to focus on something else but it's just not happening.

Interesting Times Article

Coming Out of the Fertility Closet How Jimmy Fallon is helping infertile couples across America By Sarah Elizabeth Richards @_SarahRichards_Aug. 11, 201310 Comments inShare3 Read Later Jimmy Fallon and his wife, Nancy Juvonen, at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York, May 7, 2012. Fallon says he and his wife had their baby daughter with the help of a surrogate. Evan Agostini / AP Talk-show host Jimmy Fallon and his wife Nancy Juvonen at the Metropolitan Museum of Art in New York City on May 7, 2012 Related More couples, like Jimmy Fallon and his wife, turning to surrogacy NBC News Sideshow: Jimmy Fallon's surprise: It's a surrogate! Philadelphia Inquirer Although 1 in 6 U.S. couples faces problems conceiving, many still feel funny telling others that they are undergoing treatment. In fact, infertility is one of the last great cultural taboos. One survey of infertile couples conducted by the pharmaceutical companies Schering-Plough and Merck found that 61% hid their infertility from family and friends, and half didn’t share it with their mothers. Why the secrecy? The study also found that 7 in 10 women admitted that being infertile made them feel “flawed” and half of men reported feeling “inadequate.” It’s no wonder then that talk-show host Jimmy Fallon waited two weeks after the birth of his daughter Winnie Rose to reveal that she was carried by a surrogate. “My wife and I had been trying for a while to have a baby,” Fallon told Today’s Savannah Guthrie on Friday morning. “We tried a bunch of things. So we had a surrogate.” Fallon’s openness came as a surprise, considering that most celebrities have been notoriously mum on the subject. Who can blame them? Remember all the rampant speculating about whether Kate Middleton had infertility problems? And — gasp! — was Baby George conceived via IVF? (MORE: Having It All Without Having Children) To date, Hollywood stars having baby-making troubles haven’t received much public sympathy, amid criticism of being able to “buy” their way out of fertility problems with expensive medical help that many Americans can’t afford. But the narrative turns extra nasty when other people’s reproductive parts, such as rented wombs or donor eggs, are involved. When actresses Sarah Jessica Parker and Nicole Kidman revealed they had used surrogates, they were accused of hiring these other women in order to spare their own bodies from the ravages of pregnancy — as if these women chose this route for cosmetic reasons, when both had publicly shared their battles with infertility. And woe to the woman who becomes pregnant using eggs donated by another woman because her own eggs were too old or poor quality. She’s frequently called “selfish” and accused of pushing the boundaries of older motherhood. Instead of praising the third parties and doctors who make such miracles possible, we attack women for putting their careers first and waiting too long to have babies. (MORE: My Sister, My Surrogate: After Battling Cancer, One Woman Receives the Ultimate Mother’s Day Gift) We should applaud Fallon — along with his wife and other high-profile women willing to share their stories — for going public with facts so many would prefer to keep hidden. While celebrities take a lot of flak for exposing their private lives, these are important gestures of support to all the families who are suffering in silence. Such honesty is also welcomed by fertility doctors who struggle to educate patients about the challenges of getting pregnant in your 40s, when popular culture makes it look so easy. Many Hollywood actresses, they explain, became pregnant using donor eggs. Hopefully, one day, the stars will feel comfortable telling us that fact themselves. What’s more, these announcements go a long way in changing the public perception that infertility is a source of shame. In 2011, Redbook magazine and RESOLVE, a national infertility-education group, launched an online video campaign called “The Truth About Trying” to chip away at the stigma. “It’s crazy to me that this topic is still taboo,” Rosie Pope, star of Bravo’s Pregnant in Heels said in her video. “In Hollywood, you can talk about your drug addiction or divorce, but not infertility.” Perhaps that’s starting to change. Richards is a health-and-science journalist and the author of Motherhood, Rescheduled: The New Frontier of Egg Freezing and the Women Who Tried It. Read more: http://ideas.time.com/2013/08/11/coming-out-of-the-fertility-closet/#ixzz2bmJ4XMlD

Up in smoke

I'm devistated I think I blew this cycle wth my stupidity.

I think I'm going to take a few cycles off, as of tomorrow I'm out of clomid until I order it again and I'm just plain burnt out. I never thought that this would ever be so stressful and hard. 

My journeys birthday

What pcos has taught me. 

If it wasn't for pcos and my journey I might have never been able to find the strength thy lives inside of me, the love that I held so deeply and passionately in my heart for my husband/best friend, the trust that there is always a tomorrow and hope that things will happen when they are mean to happen if they are meant to happen at all. 

Tonight, the day before my 30th birthday I am starting a new, 2 little pills worth 50mg of clomid in my body that will help define my future but it won't tell me what I can or cannot do in the end. 

56:

the number of grey hairs I have gotten  along this journey. Still getting mixed readings faint pos on dollar tree tests l but neg on frer or cb, non digitals. 

Nausea was gone for most or today which was nice so I was finally able to eat. About an hour ago or so it came back full force and I'm sweating to death even tho the house is @ 75 I wonder if I am just coming down with something. Will call my obs office in the am and see if I can get a blood test. 

Dh is still out of the loop I don't want tosay  anything to him and then have it wrong. It would kill me more to say I was wrong and I'm not, I can deal with my own inner turmoil whatever the outcome is but I don't want to put him through it himself. Lets just say I'm not so optimistic like I was a few days ago but we shall see. 

UPDATE: called and left a message for my obs nurse requesting a blood test. The message on her vm said they try and return calls within 48 hours. I have a feeling its going its to be a long dayS 

Truth

Makes my heart sink but the feeling that comes with the meaning behind the words ring so true.

:(

Lines gone its not even viable with a flashlight (yes I know pathetic). 

Cd 53.

All this nausea that I though might be a pg sign must just mean i have a stomach bug.

I hadn't told dh about the pg result from yesterday. I wanted to test this morning to be absolutely sure, guess its a good thing I did. He did notice I as upset this am tho before he left for work. I guess my disappointment showed that much. 

I should be used to seeing a bfn by now, just another normal day.

A line!

Oh.my.god...... A line, a very faint line on a dollar tree test that i just took, it doesn't look like an Evap. 

Could this really be it?

Could this be the miracle we have been waiting for for sooooo long sooo many years...

I need to calm down, I can't get excited what if its wrong, ill be crushed again so badly. My mind is truly racing a thousand miles a minute. 

I've had it planned out for so long how I would tell dh when i was pg.

I feel like I'm hyperventilating I'm crying and trying to type this on my iPod. Please god, in 5 days I turn 30, make this true ill never ask anything from you ever again please let my birthday wish come true....

51

Yoohoo period where are you? I'm starting to get less than amused here....

Call back

Not thrilled with the call I got this am. Nurse calls first and said oy sounded like a gi issue instead or anything else, which I've had zero issues that would point to it (I'm very famaluir with gastroenteritis). So the end of our convo was her saying may s I needed another round of provera and that she would pass on the info to my dr.

Fast forward an hour when my dr calls, she says she doesn't feel I need more provera (I never said I wanted it to be honest), she continued to say that the cramps could be my body getting ready to have my period and he lining might not be thick enough to enduxe one. On the other hand it could be good news that I am pregnant so I am to follow up with her in a few months and see how things are. No blood work done, no questions abut how past due my period was, no question if I had taken a hpt nada so I'm back to square one where I was before I called my dr. I am just totally at a loss after that call. Maybe it's time to order some provera from ihp and some stronger clomid and try this crap again. I guess it's time to read up on hor many round you can safely do clomid and go from there. 

46

Had a fun evening with my neighbors and their kids on the 4th, grilled out, shot off some fireworks and just chatted. It was a nice change. I had really been missing the get togetherness that we had every 4th when I was growing up. Seeing tot again tonight makes me want kids so badly. He's deaf but lives life amazingly I am so jealous of how great a kid he is and how great his family has been able to adapt.

Cd46 and I'm so over this roller coaster.

I've been researching bfn with false readings and pcos. I bought some frers tonight and just want to test in the am, I think I know the answer but its always worth just another try, I guess. 

Having tons of bloating, I'm exhausted and having some odd sensations in my stomach. Too tired to go into it, can't keep eyes open a d don't want to type this on my iPod. 

Cd45

Oddest things today: Holy heartburn tonight. I've felt like I wanted a cry a couple times out of nowhere today. 

I've felt super bloated again today with some cramps still a few times a day. 

Called my ob this am to get an appt if I'm bfn which the frer says then something is going on. They (the schedulers who answer the phone) asked me it I needed to come take a pg test and I told them I honestly didn't know but that my ob knows my condition and would be able to gauge better than me.  It takes me forever to get in to be seen but I hope to hear back from the nurse at least on Friday. 

Cd45 and all i know is that something is going on. 

Baby envy

CD43

I went to a friends house tonight to drop off some coupons I had that she could use and to drop off some free wipes I had gotten a few weeks back. She has a 2 month old precious girl 'she also has two older boys one hers and one her fiances, she of course told me that babies grow up when her boy was goin nuts in the house, which of course I know ;) 

Anywho as soon as I got into her house there she was swinging side to side in her rainforest swing, content as can be. Tresea asked right off the bat as I got down to talk to the baby if I wanted to hold her. I admitted I had baby envy and didn't want to do it. This is where my heart sinks while I would love to hold one of my friends babies I know it would just make me sad and a million s other things would pop into my head that would be self destructive with my self esteem, which doesn't need anymore blows.

She then told me that she had used clomid for one moth and gotten pregnant. Ugh one month, (at 25 mg I might add)  plus she doesn't have pcos but was having issues getting pregnant. Here I am 2 failed cycles on 50mg and one failed femara, and here she is with a 2 month old, cycle one baby.

The only upside to this is that she had one of the last 2pieces of the rainforest set that I don't own and she is willing to sell it to me cheap after she is done using it. Down side to this is that I don't have a baby of my own to use it and I have an entire room of baby stuff that is just sitting there hoping and waiting for its time to be used. 

She kept saying I will use it its just a matter of when. Over 9 years later I'd think that my when time would have come and gone now. 

Pearls

What a odd past few days

Still no sign of AF however, I thought that I really was going to have it a few times on and off the last few days. I had horrible cramps the last 3-4 days to the point where I thought I was starting to bleed but still nothing. Sunday night (6/30) I had the oddest feeling while sitting on my bed doing math homework, it was almost as if a jolt of lightning started in my head and worked down to my abdomen, it took my breath away, it was only once but it felt so odd. It's been a trying weekend, my oldest kiddo is having tooth problems and she isn't able to go under anesthesia with her health issues. It's been bothering me since Friday and I don't know what to do about it. They are my babies and they mean the world to me. They are all seniors now and I know it really is just a matter of time before I loose them. I wish that they lived as long as humans do. This morning I start back to my advanced Spanish class, this summer I have just been overwhelmed, I am failing my math I am no good at doing linear equality and quadratic stuff. This is why I want to teach k-6 and nothing more advanced than that. I worry that I am going to totally drown in this Spanish class, I guess only time will tell. I am done couponing for a while, I have a ton of pretty much anything that is non perishable it takes up a ton of my time and although it seems like it would be it's not super cheap either. Since we don't get many coupons weekly, maybe 20 a week I have been buying my coupon inserts at a place out of Tamapa, for 15 with shipping I get 6 of ss and 6 of rp and they have tons of good coupons in them. I now however have, 16 things of wipes, which I only paid tax on because of the coupons that I will either use on the kiddos paws when they are dirty or I will save until we have kids (if we have kids that is). Plus I have a ton of nb diapers, some size 1 and size 2. Luckily things like diapers don't expire but I hope to use them sooner than later. Now I need to get some sleep, or at least try. CD42 *sigh*

Cd37

*sigh* no idea what's going on I'm so confused and frustrated at the moment. Odd discharge Tuesday, still no signs of af.

Dh found a gift card on the desk that said baby on it, he sounded excited and asked if I had anything to tell him, it killed me inside to tell him now. Truth is I picked it up at Walmart it was the only one close to the register I was at and I needed to out money on a gift card so I could get gas at Sams. Just the look on his face when he found it and the tone in his voice *sigh* its been sitting there for a super long time and he just noticed yesterday. Usually he's super aware of things around him and catches things that are sitting out. So I broke the news to him that kill me to admit, I'm still not pregnant (which in my head it means I can't make you a daddy and its killing me inside).

Truth is when I am pg I have a plan, I bought a baby on bias thing for a car window and I'm going to sneak it onto his drivers side window so he sees it first thing in the morning before he leaves for work. I have faith that I will be able to use it someday, just hoping its sooner than later. 

Cd 34

Looks like my body is back to its usual self, unlike last month where I had symptoms of af coming on her own 30 days from her last visit here I am at cd34 with nothing. Few cramps like I was going to have a visit from af when dh and I were at the movies Friday but nothing.

I had some odd nausea/vomiting Thursday afternoon. I can't even explain the feeling I had all of a sudden, it felt like by breathing I would get sick so I held my breath for a couple seconds and felt fine then breathed again and bam, that was that. 

I got really sloppy on my testing and bbt this last cycle, I tested too late on the ovk than when I ov from based on the cycle before. I have a feeling that I didn't even ovulate this cycle and its super discouraging. 

I keep going back and forth on testing now, I can't stand to poas again and get the billionth bfn. I always get my hopes up so high and see/hear all these other pso-ers getting their 1st, 2nd, 3rd ... Bfp it feels like I am back where I was before with each bfn test. 

It's Sunday so my relaxing shopping is in a few hours. Have a mini list planned and am going to try something's. I have some coupons for diapers so ill probably buy them since ill get them dirt cheap (yay cvs), in the end if we don't have kids I can sell/give the diapers away along with all my other baby stuff. 

I just wish I didn't feel so damn bloated tonight I feel like I weight 100 more lbs and even the slightest material on my stomach like the waist band of my stretchy jeans bothered me.

It's crazy how I think nothing of these symptoms until I blog and then they all come back to me, I brush things off a lot with all my illnesses its just something I am used to doing.

Guess I will test in the am at this point it really can't hurt. 

I hate creating titles, lets call this one...umm... the millionth update :)

It's been crazy here lately for me, I ended up getting overwhelmed in one of my classes and it spiraled into the the other two that I am taking. Luckily I was able to test out of one and be accepted into the other advanced Spanish class that begins next week, hopefully I will be able to breathe by that point. Two advanced classes and a math class was just too much all at once for one summer, I was totally hitting burnout. I didn't use my ovk too much this month and starting tempting but soon forgot so I ended up just using FF with my CM, I didn't get a positive with the two ovk's that I took that would have been corresponding with my last months O, so I am not sure if I did O or not. I have little faith that we were successful this cycle and I am starting to get super frusterated with the whole thing. As of Tuesday I have had two bfn frer's, every time I test I find myself going to extremes it's almost like I see an imaginary line, so I grab my flashlight and shine it up under the test then putt the strip out, I must look like a fool and feel like one after I do it. If I am regular like I was last month (It caught me off guard since I haven't been regular since I was 16), AF should be showing up Thursday. Not having the same symptoms that I had last month before she showed so I don't know what is going to happen this time around, I will just have to wait and see. If she does show up I am not going to do another clomid cycle this time around. I only have one more cycle left if I go 50 again, so I need to order more or just use the last cycle and if it doesn't work call it a day with it. I have started couponing and that has gotten me into a bit of trouble on the baby front. I ended up finding some awesome coupons and great deals for diapers at Target and Walmart and jumped on them. I ended up paying under $10 for a box of Huggies sensitive newborns and then I bought some of the sensitive pampers Mega Packs this week for 15.00 and got a 5.00 target gift card to use later. Sadly I ended us using the gift card on a frer but it was something I was going to need to get at Walmart and I didn't feel like driving there and dealing with some of the crazies that go to ours. Side note, I ended up going to Wamego for a business trip on Friday and stopped in a town that was on the way to leave flowers at my father in laws grave since we havent been up there this year yet. I didn't have flowers and took a chance on seeing what few stores might be in Rossville and if they would have any flowers. I ended up at a thrift store (I could have spent all day there) and of course ended up in the baby section somehow as soon as I got inside. I went through the clothes to see what they had, just for the fun of it turn away and happened to see a rack of clothes that were hidden under the one rack. I found an Eric Carle yellow jumper in perfect condition for $1.99, I couldn't pass it up so I snatched it up without hesitation. My body is tired but my mind is going a millions miles a minute, it's 130 in the morning and I can't sleep. I keep forgetting to update things so it might be a while before I get back in the groove of things with my blog postings but for now thats everything in a nutshell with what has happened in the last few weeks. Hasta Pronto!

Cycle 2 CD3

CD3 we meet again. This is cycle 2 with clomid and I have started it tonight, there are a few things that I am going to do different this cycle and I have signed up for fertility friend. I am also going to finally temp and see if that helps at all, but will use some of my opk's that I have left from last cycle just to cross my t's and dot my i's persay. I will not test so early this time when it comes to pgt, I totally wasted a ton on frer's last month and want to save and try it this way. I just get sooo impatient sometimes ;) Since this af was such a surprise I didn't have time to order any wondofs but if this cycle is a bust I am going to invest in some and will have to order from clomid from ihp. I will cross that bridge when and if I get there. I wanted to also keep my stress level at a min and see that is going to be hard, I start school at Washburn with my three classes next Tuesday and have had a bit of a problem getting my financial aid in (it's been a nightmare) so tomorrow I am going to get my books. Then on June 1st I start my online math class at Allen. To say the least it's going to be a crazy busy semester. We have also had a shock that our home-loan has been bought out by another company and we will not longer have BOA *dances*. They have been a pain in our asses since they bought our loan from CountryWide after they pretty much went belly up so we will be happy to be rid of them starting June 1st.

Oh no, af

I started to feel awful about two hours ago to the point I worried something had ruptured inside my abdomen (seriously debated on going to the er it was so bad) Then I find out oh af is staring to move in here again... (Ummm hi again when did you start showing up on your own?) 

Cramping and burning pains in my back really achy abdomen in the front and I feel sooo bloated. 

I guess tomorrow is another cd1... *sigh* 

What did I get myself into take this clomid? 

New day, new hope

I broke down last week and requested an appt with a therapist. My first appointment was this morning. I am depressed and it seems its stems from my pcos and infertility issues, which makes complete sense. It felt good to get things off my chest and over the next few sessions I hope to be able to reflect on how to make this and the reality that I might never be a mom. It's the reality that we might face and while this whole subject brings me to tears I feel like no one in my family including my husband really gets how much it kills me inside when I hear them say any of these: oh so and so is pregnant, it will happen eventually when it's time, you can adopt and well I will have your baby for you.

The phrase that really kills me is the question so when are you guys going to have kids. I just want to scream at them for asking that and let them know how much it hurts my pride and makes me feel like a failure as a woman and a human to have these issues. 

I have an appt with my pcp for my carpal tunnel which is getting much worse and I'm sure she will pg test me as always. I need to be able to tell them how much it hurts for them to do it, how it gets my hope up that it could finally be a positive pg test result and the feeling I get in the out of my stomach when they tell me the same thing as they did for the last 10 years.

Lollie is having a good day and I am trying to focus on that. When she is feeling good I feel happy even with my pain prevalent. 

How did I mess my days up?

I had a moment of clarity this afternoon where I realized I am only 12dpo. I was sad when i tested and for a bfn this morning but with my realization and help from the girls on sc confirming i was wrong I feel that there is still hope!!! 

D-day

1st ever clomid cycle d-day is today. (Sunday not sure why it still posts with me in pst). Tww up today having cramping lately not sure if af is going to come on ah-natural for the first time in over 5 years. We will just have to wait and see. 

Bding yesterday it felt like my cervix was open and low I've never felt it before. Everything I've read since then sort of sounds like my body is preparing for af. Not sure what to think about it since it was totally a new thing and well we've been together for over 12 years sothose types of "new things" don't happen too often. (Not speaking badly just saying that was an super odd feeling) 

Worst case scenario at this point is that af does come on her own in which case we do round 2 of clomid and "work" our asses off for another 30 days of waiting, wishing and "trying". Hey at least I "o'd" so I know its semi-possible. 

Best case scenario those twinges are my body getting "ready" for a 9 month journey. Hopefully my occupancy limits are posted clearly at one. 

Exactly

12dpo

Having worse twinges in my abdomen since yesterday it seems to happen on and off on both sides. Not sure if I have a cyst now, I didn't have any on the ultrasound a month and a half ago or if my period is going to start on its own. 

I'm back to not sleeping well at night and being exhausted and needing a nap during the day. It might half be because of the heat we have had the last few days. 

Happy "Others" Day

Ah, yet another mothers day, the day that I dread all year. It probably wouldn't be so awful if my birth mom wasn't a messed up person who walked out of my life in the middle of the night. My adopted mother (my mom's parents) died Christmas of 97, so I have no one to celebrate this day with, which makes the sting of a day set aside to honor mothers so much more sad.
I did a baby dance yesterday and tested with a digital which came back as no go as always, so I decided to tear apart the little sucker and see what it looked like from the inside, stupid I know now. Upon prying it open I found two line, TWO LINES, I was beside myself. I then proceeded to cry and run around the house like some freak bouncing up and down. Thankfully dh was at work and not here for my baby dance.
I posted to the forum with a picture of it and then googled my heart out. I guess that digital tests have two lines that appear (insert heart in my stomach). I ran out and bought more pg tests this time FRER's (btw there is a $2 coupon on their site and a $1 coupon on the box!) and decided since they had such a low point that they might be able to pick up on something.
This morning's test was a great big bfn. I am going to try and hold out testing until next Saturday now and try and focus on something else.
I AM STILL HOLDING ON THAT THIS CYCLE WILL WORK!
Sore bb's still, cramping in lower right abd, moodiness.

Achoo

Dandylions galore and to top it I am having anther day or being able to smell everything. Help me! 

Food

I loved these taco tomatoes I am not a taco person they make me sick but I made this for lunch and had some earlier. They were a bit different and had black beans, corn and onions mixed in with the hamburger and the uncooked taco seasoning inside of the tomato and topped with cheese. This combination which has the taco seasoning always makes me ill since I'm allergic to green and red peppers like they have in those packets. This time nothing not ill at all and it was amazing. 

This morning I woke up craving cooked spinach with vinegar which I have decided to make this afternoon. I usually hate cooked Spinach unless its creamed. 

An added bonus is that I can smell everything this morning even with my nose clogged. It's like my sense of smell is heightened. On a side note my headache is gone (hurray!).

Feeling crappy

These headaches are getting really old. I'm just feeling all around crappy tonight, hopefully I'll feel better in the am. 

Super super sore bbs today also a little discharge out of the nip of one this am when dh touched it. Ewcm again today. 

6dpo today so I tested a hour ago and of course got a bfn. I figured I would but I was dying to see if it could be a bfp. I should really wait until the 17th or 18th to test. Hopefully I can wait that long, I'm super excited I have a really good feeling about this cycle! 

Cd18

Decided to not give up hope but with this long journey we have been on and this pcos its hard not too sometimes.

I've been busy for the last couple of days digging a hole in the backyard so we could fix a broken pipe and spent today studying for my last final of this semester.

About 11am on cd17 I had pains in my left side that literally felt like I was being pulled apart from the inside. Luckily a few seconds of holding my breath and a couple of awkward poses later to try and ward off the pain it was gone.

I've been super nauseous since last night (cd17) especially when I am moving around. My bbs are killing me and my carpal tunnel is going bonkers in both hands. I've resorted to taking some Tylenol for the carpal tunnel pain and will wear my splints tonight and crash after writing this.  

My stress level has deminished substantially tg!

 I think that maybe my stomach is bothering because I caught something at school again, I never fails its always the first week of classes or during the finals someone comes to school sick and I get it. 

Today I am 6dpo and although I thought I had another +ovk Tuesday night I think it was user error. Id love to test and get a bfp on Mother's Day but ill take one day at a time for the moment :)

How romantic

Hey hunny I'm not I'm not sure I went into detail about the pills and us ttc. We have two days, yes TWO days a month when I take thee pills. I only ovulate for TWO days and even"normal" people only have those two days they are just lucky because they have sex at the right time and don't have to deal with this stuff. How romantic right when your wife says its time to have sex because I'm ovulating.
*insert silence*
It sucks being ducked up.
*him* two days, that's bs whatever
*end of conversation he leaves for work mad*


Reason for this conversation is because I realized the happy smiley face means that I was going to ovulate within the next 34 hours, so it's unlikely at the moment that this is "our month".
Its my fault tho I don't think I made him understand because he asked the day before yesterday if I was happy that the pills worked and I would be fine from now on. I totally hate being shy about things like this with him, I literally had my entire conversation in my head all day yesterday and even this morning with what I wanted to say to him, gah I'm so frustrated that this month isn't going to work.
I'm going to take a break from blogging for a while since this cycle is a bust, its super depressing. I hate having pcos and being defective. It's horrible not being able to give my husband the child he wants to have that we have always talked about and it's killing me because I want a child so badly myself. Just like the song goes I posted a while ago, i would die for that...

Cd 15

Had some spotting and pains yesterday evening I really thought that I was getting my period and it made me mad. I've been having minor cramps off and on today not sure what's going on. Tested again this am with the clearblue and had another peak smiley face, I just wanted to make sure that I didn't mess up the test when I took it yesterday am.
I guess now I'm in my 2ww fx

Goodbye low hello peak!

Surprisingly woke up this am and tested with the clearblue and got a peak smiley face! Super excited guess I skipped the high phase but ill take it!
Stress is still high around here today but I have to say that this makes me feel better and it proves those pills worked in helping me o, I love ihp!

Eod
2:40pm

Cd 13pm

Stress level off the charts and when I tested with the dollar store ovk the line looked even lighter, not sure what's going on now. I could have sworn the one from the clearblue was getting closer to the same color than it was on cd12, which is when I first used the clearblue. Will test in the am, if I can remember and hopefully will start getting some good results. Since I don't have a natural cycle it's hard to even guess when I could o, fx it happens soon.

Cd 13 am

Lines are getting a little more close on ye strip but still only reading low on the clearblue hoping it will peak in the next couple of days. Fx
Pains in lower right side this am.

Cd 12 (?) pm

Finally bought a box of clearblue with the two version smiles and then the empty circle which gives you your reading digitally.
i am still barely showing on any test and the clearblue has me at low today. Ill test again tomorrow morning with the clearblue and see what it says I didn't read it until afterwords but I guess I am supposed to use it the same way a pg test is with the anur. Cm is nothing like it was yesterday and today I had some major pains around the same location as the ones the last few days, the only difference is that today's were like a jolt of lightning and then gone after a few seconds.
Had a crap day all around, my stress level is out of this world so I'm happy it's over finally I'm going to watch tv and try to relax.

Cd 12

Really confused this am
Am ovkt barely shows a pos and its much much much lighter than yesterday's not sure what's going on but I hope that I haven't missed my peak already.

Reality Worries

Dh came home tonight and said that he wants us to try and have kids starting this month. I told him that I already took my pills and we were kind of already doing that.
It made me stop in my tracks, he isn't always so vocal. As good as I thought I would feel about him saying that it seems so surreal. Mid way during my lesson plan presentation tonight in class it really hit me. You know the feeling you get in your face when it gets hot when you hear something that takes your breath away, that was it.
He said since we watched the 5 year engagement a few days ago it made him realize you are never ready for everything.
I've spent all evening fretting over this decision worrying about our special needs senior doxies who we love dearly, how they will cope with this change (out oldest especially since she isnt good with charge after where she came from) and us how are we going to deal with it. As much as I want kids I am not good with change and I love our little family with the furry kids.
My new worry that just came to mind while typing this is how in the world can I be a new mom, take care of a home, special needs doxies (non negotiable they will remain in our lives u tip they cross to be with my Oscar) and be a ft college student with rotations through our local school district.
I'm going to purruse the forum until I pass out, I have to get my mind off of my worries.

Cd 11

Am ovkt was Light pos will test later to see if it gets darker. Fx
Mid afternoon ovkt same color still felt super strong cramps and twinges this afternoon.
Will test again come tomorrow

Cd10

AM ovpt negative, will test this evening.
Headache finally gone and I'm feeling better :)

Afternoon update: killer cramps for about 2 minutes a bit ago. Almost period like, last night I had pains in my left upper side but since I felt like h*ll I brushed it off. Not sure if they are connected or not.

Cd9+ migraine

Worst.occular.migraine.ever...didn't opkt today have felt crappy since waking up but as the night progresses I'm feeling worse. Going to call it an early night and hopefully sleep off this crap and then opkt in the am and see my status

Dreaming of pain pills

Everything hurts, my back killed me this morning, my leg is having super bad pains and my foot is getting muscle spasms that are killing me. Although I seriously contemplated taking something from my pain pill arsenal I skipped I worrying that it would effecting my cycle somehow. I'm probably overreacting but I don't want to rock the boat per say.
My fibro is having a fiesta inside of me and I wish it would go and bother someone else for a while.
:/

Clomid cycle picture

Found this interesting

Cd4-5

Thursday night I felt as if I was on femara again or starting to hit menopause. Horrible hot flashes and I was so nauseous. I downed ginger ale and after a few hours sleep felt better Friday morning. It was rainy and cold so I slept most of the morning with the kiddos (their body warmth on days like Friday are like melatonin to me).
On my 4th day of pills (Friday evening) a few hours after taking them I became so hungry that I couldn't eat enough to make myself feel full. Crazy! It's Ben a few hours I've drank a huge thing of water and am feeling hungry still but know there is no way that I could be hungry with all I ate. Luckily there has been no sweating to death like there was the night before. Af is slowing down and completely stops a few hours after taking the clomid but comes back the next day again.
Two more days of clomid and I'm trying to not dwell on this process at the moment.
On a side note while I was out shopping for groceries earlier a friend of dhs stopped in and picked up their baby shower gifts that i hadn't given them yet. Their sons asked dh where our kids were (last time the boys came over it was Halloween and I always have something set up for the kids in the yard). Of course dh said we don't have children, I'm not sure what else was said in the conversation but he felt compelled to tell me that little bit. I said something to the fact that he should have told them I am defective which ended that conversation fast.
I have some errands to run Saturday that I keep forgetting about and a ton of cleaning as well. Plus I need to figure out where my cycle might be in a few weeks so I can figure out the ovk stuff.

Cd3

Af is finally slowing down a bit pain is going and overall I don't feel too awful.

Cd3 means is the first pills of my first clomid cycle.

A glass of milk and clomid decent way to end the night :)

Cd2

Thank god it's almost over for today! It's been the worst day that I can ever remember with af. I haven't taken any pain pills since starting provera even tho I talked about it to a friend a few days ago. I've had nothing but issues feeling lightheaded, extremely exhausted, not hungry, sick to my stomach its been a crazy day. I'm going to chalk it up to hormones since it has been so long. I would love more than anything in this world at this very moment to take an ibuprofen to help slow down af and the only ting keeping me hanging on is the worry that taking something would negatively effect my clomid which I start taking tomorrow (4/24)!!! Cannot wait I'm so excited and any nervousness has faded today. Right now I am just focusing on being positive about everything because being negative will get me nowhere I am tired but my mind is busy thinking so ill read my book a but jump on the forum and then call it a night.

4 minutes until cd3!

Eggs and Books

While browsing for some books for my lesson plan I happened to walk by the health section which has been redone with ends that feature books. As i walked by I happened to see one that caught my eye that had a baby siting in a huge cracked egg shell called A Few Good Eggs.
I've only been able to read a few chapters of it with such a busy schedule but I wanted to before af came (she's starting to move in today and will be here probably tomorrow) so I could see what the book was about.
This is a MUST read it makes me feel so much better and although I am not alone in this fertility roller coaster, because there are thousands of people registered on soulcysters the two that wrote this book have a plethora of knowledge and have asked friends about their struggles as well.
I read a bit about resolve in chapter 4 tonight and I'm going to look into it tomorrow and see what I find. Like the girls say in the book knowledge is power and right now it's one more thing I can have on my side.

Overall I'm feeling like crap tonight going to take 50mg of ihp clomid days 2-7 and see where it gets me. Worse case scenario I don't ovulate or I read the many dollar store ovulation lots wrong and mess up the time. In which case this would be a learning cycle and all is not lost. Best case scenario we score and get pg and have a happy healthy little one (hope its bot clonid multiples) feb of next year. Either way it its meant to happen this time it's meant to happen otherwise the universe has other things in mind for us until it is our turn.

I would die for that

Found this amazing song just now and wanted to share it, it pretty much sums it up for me

Provera

Ugh, today is my last dose of provera and I cannot say that I will be upset about it. I have been uber moody lately and have went off on my dh many times over the last week. I want to chalk that up to racing hormones because I am usually laid back and pleasant.
After today I get to wait for the inevitable horror when af comes to visit and then will *sigh* do a round of clomid. I am not sure if I am happy or sad about doing a round of it, but I do know that I am super scared/nervous since it will change our lives. Over the years I have gotten a little bit worse with change, it didn't use to bother me but nowadays it really takes some time for me to be copestetic with it.
Bottom line is I WANT A BABY, NOW!
Guess I will just wait and see, besides the worst thing that can happen is that it doesn't work and we are right back to where we are now.

Will you get toast crunch cearel from sams

Someday I

 I love this guy he never fails to make me laugh!

I dream of...

I have been trying to find the right time to talk to dh about doing a round of clomid. Things just never seem like a good time and I guess there might not be a good time no matter when. I have been trying to figure out what month I would be due if I was to become pg since I am in college and it looks like it would be possibly February of next year, which would mean I wouldn't be able to go for the spring semester and would also give me a few months to be home and get used to things before the summer semester, so I would be able to keep at a steady pace to get my degree.

My current decision is that I am going to start taking the 10 day prometrium challenge today and then will talk to dh about taking the clomid once af shows. Regardless if we don't use clomid this time I still have to trigger af due to lack of one for almost a year and a 8 lining as of my last untrasound.

My goal this next 4 weeks, even with finals around the corner is to try and loose at least 5 lbs. I figure that a little under a lb and a half a week is totally do able. I have done over 2lbs a week the last time I seriously set myself into workout motion. Sadly this semester, I haven't had to be on campus three days a week and walking to all my classes on opposite sides of the campus to get to my building so I have gained back most of the weight I had lost.

My good friend just had a beautiful baby girl last week and it feels like I am dying inside to be a mother. I wanted to hold her but I was worried that I would break down and want to never let go and I think it has sparked on nightly dreams about giving birth and being a mother since then, which were only happening once in a while previously.

So my current plan is working out and eating better, prometrium, clomid and then we will see where things go from there.

Rainforest Excitement!

I had been volunteering for a seasonal children's consignment sale this last weekend and by volunteering I was given so much in store credit for each 3 hour shift. I ended up make $60 in in store credit and today was the day when I could use it. During the last 4 days I have seen so many awesome items come through the door and I was half debating on using the credit towards clothing and items I could donate to someone in need... and then someone brought in some of the fisher price rainforest items that I did not have.

Long story short after my $60 credit I paid $2.84 and I bought the entire rainforest crib bedding set, the rainforest bathtub, a brand new jjcole diaper bag, a vhs of school house rock 30th edition (for dh and I of course), about 20 vanilla pacifiers and a eric carle feeding pillow.
 
I was so happy to find the rainforest stuff and when I showed dh what the cribbing looked like he was amazed with how awesome it was. I of course still don't have the entire set, I still don't have either of the swings, the high chair or the lamp and diaper bag but I now own the rest of the set and it makes me happy. You know the feeling you get in your stomach when you are excited, yeah it's been a long time since I had it but after seeing Josh's reaction to the set and him saying that he hopes I can find the rest of the items I am excited and I an not sure why really. It just means that I have items but still no baby to use them.

My tentative plans are to go on a gluten free diet or at least try it out for a few weeks and then see dive in head first with pro and clomid. For the rest of the week I have to work on a ton of homework I have to still do for next week when spring break is over.


.

BB'13

I am volunteering for a childrens consignment sale, for the fun of it this year. I thought it would be for the fun of it that is. I earn money good towards purchasing items from the sale for each shift I work, at this point I am wondering if I am driving myself nuts by volunteering or not. I have met some really great people, of course they all already have kids or are expecting, so here again I go and when I tell them I don't have any children, they look at me and saying oh how far along are you. Breaks my heart. I don't even care that they think I might be pregnant and not fat, it just makes me feel like crap.
They have some really adorable stuff there and when I worked it last year I used the credit that I had there towards some toys from the rainforest collection and some other things, now however I have a lot of items and still no child to use it and will have more credit and things I could get but no child to use them. At this point I have other peoples children set up with clothes and toys from the last years sale and from some cl shopping I did.
Days like this are hard for me and I find myself asking the question why me, why do I have these problems and why can most other people I know have no issue with this. Some people worry about getting pregnant and go to great lengths, however, it's just the opposite with me.

I must have missed something

I am beyond confused, I have a sonogram last week, was told that I have no cysts and then today I get a letter in the mail from my drs office, when I open it the at the very top it says.

"Tammi, Congratulations on you pregnancy! You'll have your baby in your arms before you know it!"

I called them back to see what in the world was going on, it was after 4 so I didn't assume I would receive a call back tonight, which I didn't.

Reading it made my heart sink, while I know it has to be an error on their part, because of my sono last week.

I just want so badly to be pregnant....

Emotions off the chart

My emotions have been all over the place lately, not sure if it is the pro-gest or something else. I have been super cranky even though I have been trying like crazy not to be. Today a conversation Dh had with his mom set me off. I have my good and bad days with pain and feeling ill and he had her on speaker phone, she asked if I felt better and when I said no and he repeated it the first thing out of her mouth was is she pregnant. The first thing out of my mouth from the bathroom was that she needed to stop that shit, and he had better take her off speaker because I was about to tell her off. Her and I DO NOT get along, so it just ads fuel to the fire. Dh was amazing and responded to her, asking are you pregnant, when she responded no, he asked her how it felt for her to be asked that and told her she had no right to ask things like that, if she needed to know then she would be told (love that man!). When they hung up I said it was nice of her to start that crap, knowing how much we want kids, he said that she just wanted grandchildren, my rude comment was that it's not like we hadn't been trying to have kids for years (see my emotions off the chart there, I would normally suck it up and let it go, just like I do when some random stranger asks when I am due, because of how my weight shows on me)

Good Start To The Year

Happy New Day Everyone! So it's the first of the year and I am optimistic that things will be better all the way around this year. After my sonogram Monday I was worried what the results would be, since the tech said that my uterus was titled to the right substantially and my ovaries on the right side were the highest she had seen in 30 years. My ob called me before the office opened Wednesday to tell me that she had recived my sonogram and had looked it over. I did not have any cysts on either of my ovaries (dances) and she said that everything looked fantastic. I started Pro-gest cream a few days ago, and have forgotten to use it last night. After reading the soulcysters board and the reviews it is what I am going to try for the 2 weeks on and then 2 off and see if I can't jump start my cycle a more natural way.