The crossroads

I am finally here, at the crossroad of our journey. It's been over 10 years and I just can't do it anymore, I am mentally drained, heart broken as each month passes, each test I take and feel as if I die inside with each ultrasound/baby shower/baby announcement that I see by people I know, or even a passerby. I've spent thousands on tests, drugs, herbal supplements without any success and I just can't do it anymore. As I drove in my car yesterday to Walmart I heard this song of the radio (link is below) and I feel like something clicked inside my soul, immediately I thought about our journey to be parents, the pain I have held deep inside of myself; feeling worthless, ugly, stupid and so on, I drive myself crazy with these thoughts all the time and honestly don't remember the person that I was when we started this journey, it's changed who I am what I want and what I do every day in so many ways.I felt like it was my "sign", my moment of truth...

I debated not writing this entry, today but after listening to the song last night, but I feel as if the lyrics came from my soul. I came home and cried, tears ran down my face and I felt relief, that I didn't know I could have. I've always been able to come up with the words to say, the stories to tell and the emotions to describe how I feel and what I want to say, but this time is not the same and I am out of words.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2U0Ivkn2Ds

Cd32 dpo14

Cd32

Dpo14

Whelp here I am again- Although Pearl Harbor day was yesterday is seems like today is my dday persay. 

I should be sleeping I have to study for two important finals on Monday and my left hand needs a rest since my ct is making my thumb go numb a lot today. Regardless here I am awake with my mind racing (and smelling a dog that is evidently trying to fogging me out of our bedroom that is laying somewhere near my head).

Not sure if I want to test today- according to ff and my fertailaid bottle isn't due for another two days if she is thinking about making regular visits from now on. Guess I'll try and sleep on it and make my decision in the morning when I get up. I opted to get some cbdigi ones when I was out Friday to use up some of my wags rr, I decided to go with them because I feel like I am just looking at a line that isn't there on my strips sometimes this will at least help with that, I just need to remember not to tear the test apart and to take whatever the test says as the real unbiased result.

Maybe the snow that is supposed to fall tonight is a sign of good things to come-

Or maybe it's just because I'm looking for a sign that's not meant to mean anything. Enough thinking it's time to sleep, will post my decision laster this moring. 

November Chart

Thought I would post this- so I could keep better track. My cd1 last month was 30 days exactly from when I started fertilaid. 

I'm on the right...

Ugh! Bfn yesterday and a new issue today... Cd29- 11dpo