Cycle 2 CD3

CD3 we meet again. This is cycle 2 with clomid and I have started it tonight, there are a few things that I am going to do different this cycle and I have signed up for fertility friend. I am also going to finally temp and see if that helps at all, but will use some of my opk's that I have left from last cycle just to cross my t's and dot my i's persay. I will not test so early this time when it comes to pgt, I totally wasted a ton on frer's last month and want to save and try it this way. I just get sooo impatient sometimes ;) Since this af was such a surprise I didn't have time to order any wondofs but if this cycle is a bust I am going to invest in some and will have to order from clomid from ihp. I will cross that bridge when and if I get there. I wanted to also keep my stress level at a min and see that is going to be hard, I start school at Washburn with my three classes next Tuesday and have had a bit of a problem getting my financial aid in (it's been a nightmare) so tomorrow I am going to get my books. Then on June 1st I start my online math class at Allen. To say the least it's going to be a crazy busy semester. We have also had a shock that our home-loan has been bought out by another company and we will not longer have BOA *dances*. They have been a pain in our asses since they bought our loan from CountryWide after they pretty much went belly up so we will be happy to be rid of them starting June 1st.

Oh no, af

I started to feel awful about two hours ago to the point I worried something had ruptured inside my abdomen (seriously debated on going to the er it was so bad) Then I find out oh af is staring to move in here again... (Ummm hi again when did you start showing up on your own?) 

Cramping and burning pains in my back really achy abdomen in the front and I feel sooo bloated. 

I guess tomorrow is another cd1... *sigh* 

What did I get myself into take this clomid? 

New day, new hope

I broke down last week and requested an appt with a therapist. My first appointment was this morning. I am depressed and it seems its stems from my pcos and infertility issues, which makes complete sense. It felt good to get things off my chest and over the next few sessions I hope to be able to reflect on how to make this and the reality that I might never be a mom. It's the reality that we might face and while this whole subject brings me to tears I feel like no one in my family including my husband really gets how much it kills me inside when I hear them say any of these: oh so and so is pregnant, it will happen eventually when it's time, you can adopt and well I will have your baby for you.

The phrase that really kills me is the question so when are you guys going to have kids. I just want to scream at them for asking that and let them know how much it hurts my pride and makes me feel like a failure as a woman and a human to have these issues. 

I have an appt with my pcp for my carpal tunnel which is getting much worse and I'm sure she will pg test me as always. I need to be able to tell them how much it hurts for them to do it, how it gets my hope up that it could finally be a positive pg test result and the feeling I get in the out of my stomach when they tell me the same thing as they did for the last 10 years.

Lollie is having a good day and I am trying to focus on that. When she is feeling good I feel happy even with my pain prevalent. 

How did I mess my days up?

I had a moment of clarity this afternoon where I realized I am only 12dpo. I was sad when i tested and for a bfn this morning but with my realization and help from the girls on sc confirming i was wrong I feel that there is still hope!!! 

D-day

1st ever clomid cycle d-day is today. (Sunday not sure why it still posts with me in pst). Tww up today having cramping lately not sure if af is going to come on ah-natural for the first time in over 5 years. We will just have to wait and see. 

Bding yesterday it felt like my cervix was open and low I've never felt it before. Everything I've read since then sort of sounds like my body is preparing for af. Not sure what to think about it since it was totally a new thing and well we've been together for over 12 years sothose types of "new things" don't happen too often. (Not speaking badly just saying that was an super odd feeling) 

Worst case scenario at this point is that af does come on her own in which case we do round 2 of clomid and "work" our asses off for another 30 days of waiting, wishing and "trying". Hey at least I "o'd" so I know its semi-possible. 

Best case scenario those twinges are my body getting "ready" for a 9 month journey. Hopefully my occupancy limits are posted clearly at one. 

Exactly

12dpo

Having worse twinges in my abdomen since yesterday it seems to happen on and off on both sides. Not sure if I have a cyst now, I didn't have any on the ultrasound a month and a half ago or if my period is going to start on its own. 

I'm back to not sleeping well at night and being exhausted and needing a nap during the day. It might half be because of the heat we have had the last few days. 

Happy "Others" Day

Ah, yet another mothers day, the day that I dread all year. It probably wouldn't be so awful if my birth mom wasn't a messed up person who walked out of my life in the middle of the night. My adopted mother (my mom's parents) died Christmas of 97, so I have no one to celebrate this day with, which makes the sting of a day set aside to honor mothers so much more sad.
I did a baby dance yesterday and tested with a digital which came back as no go as always, so I decided to tear apart the little sucker and see what it looked like from the inside, stupid I know now. Upon prying it open I found two line, TWO LINES, I was beside myself. I then proceeded to cry and run around the house like some freak bouncing up and down. Thankfully dh was at work and not here for my baby dance.
I posted to the forum with a picture of it and then googled my heart out. I guess that digital tests have two lines that appear (insert heart in my stomach). I ran out and bought more pg tests this time FRER's (btw there is a $2 coupon on their site and a $1 coupon on the box!) and decided since they had such a low point that they might be able to pick up on something.
This morning's test was a great big bfn. I am going to try and hold out testing until next Saturday now and try and focus on something else.
I AM STILL HOLDING ON THAT THIS CYCLE WILL WORK!
Sore bb's still, cramping in lower right abd, moodiness.

Achoo

Dandylions galore and to top it I am having anther day or being able to smell everything. Help me! 

Food

I loved these taco tomatoes I am not a taco person they make me sick but I made this for lunch and had some earlier. They were a bit different and had black beans, corn and onions mixed in with the hamburger and the uncooked taco seasoning inside of the tomato and topped with cheese. This combination which has the taco seasoning always makes me ill since I'm allergic to green and red peppers like they have in those packets. This time nothing not ill at all and it was amazing. 

This morning I woke up craving cooked spinach with vinegar which I have decided to make this afternoon. I usually hate cooked Spinach unless its creamed. 

An added bonus is that I can smell everything this morning even with my nose clogged. It's like my sense of smell is heightened. On a side note my headache is gone (hurray!).

Feeling crappy

These headaches are getting really old. I'm just feeling all around crappy tonight, hopefully I'll feel better in the am. 

Super super sore bbs today also a little discharge out of the nip of one this am when dh touched it. Ewcm again today. 

6dpo today so I tested a hour ago and of course got a bfn. I figured I would but I was dying to see if it could be a bfp. I should really wait until the 17th or 18th to test. Hopefully I can wait that long, I'm super excited I have a really good feeling about this cycle! 

Cd18

Decided to not give up hope but with this long journey we have been on and this pcos its hard not too sometimes.

I've been busy for the last couple of days digging a hole in the backyard so we could fix a broken pipe and spent today studying for my last final of this semester.

About 11am on cd17 I had pains in my left side that literally felt like I was being pulled apart from the inside. Luckily a few seconds of holding my breath and a couple of awkward poses later to try and ward off the pain it was gone.

I've been super nauseous since last night (cd17) especially when I am moving around. My bbs are killing me and my carpal tunnel is going bonkers in both hands. I've resorted to taking some Tylenol for the carpal tunnel pain and will wear my splints tonight and crash after writing this.  

My stress level has deminished substantially tg!

 I think that maybe my stomach is bothering because I caught something at school again, I never fails its always the first week of classes or during the finals someone comes to school sick and I get it. 

Today I am 6dpo and although I thought I had another +ovk Tuesday night I think it was user error. Id love to test and get a bfp on Mother's Day but ill take one day at a time for the moment :)

How romantic

Hey hunny I'm not I'm not sure I went into detail about the pills and us ttc. We have two days, yes TWO days a month when I take thee pills. I only ovulate for TWO days and even"normal" people only have those two days they are just lucky because they have sex at the right time and don't have to deal with this stuff. How romantic right when your wife says its time to have sex because I'm ovulating.
*insert silence*
It sucks being ducked up.
*him* two days, that's bs whatever
*end of conversation he leaves for work mad*


Reason for this conversation is because I realized the happy smiley face means that I was going to ovulate within the next 34 hours, so it's unlikely at the moment that this is "our month".
Its my fault tho I don't think I made him understand because he asked the day before yesterday if I was happy that the pills worked and I would be fine from now on. I totally hate being shy about things like this with him, I literally had my entire conversation in my head all day yesterday and even this morning with what I wanted to say to him, gah I'm so frustrated that this month isn't going to work.
I'm going to take a break from blogging for a while since this cycle is a bust, its super depressing. I hate having pcos and being defective. It's horrible not being able to give my husband the child he wants to have that we have always talked about and it's killing me because I want a child so badly myself. Just like the song goes I posted a while ago, i would die for that...

Cd 15

Had some spotting and pains yesterday evening I really thought that I was getting my period and it made me mad. I've been having minor cramps off and on today not sure what's going on. Tested again this am with the clearblue and had another peak smiley face, I just wanted to make sure that I didn't mess up the test when I took it yesterday am.
I guess now I'm in my 2ww fx

Goodbye low hello peak!

Surprisingly woke up this am and tested with the clearblue and got a peak smiley face! Super excited guess I skipped the high phase but ill take it!
Stress is still high around here today but I have to say that this makes me feel better and it proves those pills worked in helping me o, I love ihp!

Eod
2:40pm

Cd 13pm

Stress level off the charts and when I tested with the dollar store ovk the line looked even lighter, not sure what's going on now. I could have sworn the one from the clearblue was getting closer to the same color than it was on cd12, which is when I first used the clearblue. Will test in the am, if I can remember and hopefully will start getting some good results. Since I don't have a natural cycle it's hard to even guess when I could o, fx it happens soon.

Cd 13 am

Lines are getting a little more close on ye strip but still only reading low on the clearblue hoping it will peak in the next couple of days. Fx
Pains in lower right side this am.

Cd 12 (?) pm

Finally bought a box of clearblue with the two version smiles and then the empty circle which gives you your reading digitally.
i am still barely showing on any test and the clearblue has me at low today. Ill test again tomorrow morning with the clearblue and see what it says I didn't read it until afterwords but I guess I am supposed to use it the same way a pg test is with the anur. Cm is nothing like it was yesterday and today I had some major pains around the same location as the ones the last few days, the only difference is that today's were like a jolt of lightning and then gone after a few seconds.
Had a crap day all around, my stress level is out of this world so I'm happy it's over finally I'm going to watch tv and try to relax.

Cd 12

Really confused this am
Am ovkt barely shows a pos and its much much much lighter than yesterday's not sure what's going on but I hope that I haven't missed my peak already.

Reality Worries

Dh came home tonight and said that he wants us to try and have kids starting this month. I told him that I already took my pills and we were kind of already doing that.
It made me stop in my tracks, he isn't always so vocal. As good as I thought I would feel about him saying that it seems so surreal. Mid way during my lesson plan presentation tonight in class it really hit me. You know the feeling you get in your face when it gets hot when you hear something that takes your breath away, that was it.
He said since we watched the 5 year engagement a few days ago it made him realize you are never ready for everything.
I've spent all evening fretting over this decision worrying about our special needs senior doxies who we love dearly, how they will cope with this change (out oldest especially since she isnt good with charge after where she came from) and us how are we going to deal with it. As much as I want kids I am not good with change and I love our little family with the furry kids.
My new worry that just came to mind while typing this is how in the world can I be a new mom, take care of a home, special needs doxies (non negotiable they will remain in our lives u tip they cross to be with my Oscar) and be a ft college student with rotations through our local school district.
I'm going to purruse the forum until I pass out, I have to get my mind off of my worries.

Cd 11

Am ovkt was Light pos will test later to see if it gets darker. Fx
Mid afternoon ovkt same color still felt super strong cramps and twinges this afternoon.
Will test again come tomorrow