Well I had really high hopes this cycle about getting our bfp but none the less 3 pg test on different days =BFN. Today is cycle day 31 and no bfp or af, I guess I can't count myself out until af appears. However I have a feeling that it's going to go back to being erratic again. After I took my last bcp from my last pack af left earlier than she had.
This puts us back to square one ;?
Dh had been chatting with one of his friends and was asked the usual question after he told them he was married: how many children do you have. What I was thinking was Zero, Zip, Zilch, Nada. He said nicely that we needed medication to have children. Inside my heart sank as it does with every bfn that greats me. My head kept saying your a failure, you can't even have children and it's something that when you first got with dh and were dating you agreed you wanted and that it was important to have.
I have stopped buying baby stuff, I still scower cl to see what is there when I am bored. But I can't stand to see another picture of a baby all happy in an outfit, crib, boppy, arms or their parents. It feels like the mere thought of it is just tearing me apart.
All of my furry kiddos are having some health issues so I am at least able to focus on something other than that.
Had a huge pain in my left abdomen earlier out of nowhere it took my breath away and brought me to tears while I was driving my car. I couldn't move or take any breath for a few seconds and wasn't able to take deep breaths after or even move that much because the pain was subsiding but was still horrible. I had no idea what happened but it worried me that I might be pg, which is why I tested tonight.
Dh asked if it was a cyst ruptering when I told him about it ealrier. Luckily it has been a very long time since I have had one rupture and thinking about it as I write this it might have been since I can barley remember having a pain somewhat like it a long time ago when I was just sitting in bed watching TV.
Just another day in paradise... Just Sayin'
Monday, June 25, 2012
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Psychologist Blues
I went to my usual 3 month visit with my psychologist, who really feels or has seemed to convey for all my past visits that having a child is a horrible thing for people that are bipolar. I tried to go off my meds back in 10 but I couldn't handle things once my meds were being deceased so I had to go back on them.
I was told by her that I would have to go off my meds for the first trimester and for the last 2 weeks before birth when I become pregnant and that my ob would have to give instructions to her if she feels I should go off or stay on. She said that she refuses to treat pg people without discussion from their ob.
I totally understand that having pcos puts me in a high risk category for pg anyways and I ain no means wanting to add anything to my life that could hurt me or the baby (cleft lip is predominant with the meds if I was to take them with being pg). I am scared as hell though that I will not be able to control myself and that when my meds are decreased and stopped my world will become bad. I have been on these meds so long they are my crutch and when I don't take them for a night if I am super sick and gracing the porcelain god I am out of it and feel it the next day.
My sleep has been funky, with the stress of everything looking for a job going back to school and now this I feel tired but can't shut my mind off. I finally pass out early in the am and sleep until mid morning. My only hope is that when I have to go off my meds I can occupy myself with things to the point that I can control myself and where I don't feel out of it the last thing I want to do is to have a sever manic state of even a panic attack and have no options for help in the form of meds. I am however researching options in the more natural way ie vitamins to see if I can maybe take some of them and at least get some assistance even though I feel that nothing will be able to help me as much as my meds do right now.
At the moment all I can do is hope and wait...
I was told by her that I would have to go off my meds for the first trimester and for the last 2 weeks before birth when I become pregnant and that my ob would have to give instructions to her if she feels I should go off or stay on. She said that she refuses to treat pg people without discussion from their ob.
I totally understand that having pcos puts me in a high risk category for pg anyways and I ain no means wanting to add anything to my life that could hurt me or the baby (cleft lip is predominant with the meds if I was to take them with being pg). I am scared as hell though that I will not be able to control myself and that when my meds are decreased and stopped my world will become bad. I have been on these meds so long they are my crutch and when I don't take them for a night if I am super sick and gracing the porcelain god I am out of it and feel it the next day.
My sleep has been funky, with the stress of everything looking for a job going back to school and now this I feel tired but can't shut my mind off. I finally pass out early in the am and sleep until mid morning. My only hope is that when I have to go off my meds I can occupy myself with things to the point that I can control myself and where I don't feel out of it the last thing I want to do is to have a sever manic state of even a panic attack and have no options for help in the form of meds. I am however researching options in the more natural way ie vitamins to see if I can maybe take some of them and at least get some assistance even though I feel that nothing will be able to help me as much as my meds do right now.
At the moment all I can do is hope and wait...
CD crazy
So my "window" might have come and gone this month. I have not bbt so I have no idea how to do it and with only having this 2 months to try again I am not in the mood to push it back and just try next month. There has been a lot of next months in my life and I just want it to be this month, my month.
Today is CD 15, I am lurking the soulcysters board trying to figure out when to test. I have had some nausea so far but I think it's my nerves I have had symptoms of pg before but not been, I think I work myself up to much sometimes over it.
I think that if I can handle it I am going to try and wait until Father's Day hoping and praying that I get a bfp. I would love to surprise my dh with a gift of knowing that he is going to be a father finally.
Here's to hoping and biting fingernails.
Today is CD 15, I am lurking the soulcysters board trying to figure out when to test. I have had some nausea so far but I think it's my nerves I have had symptoms of pg before but not been, I think I work myself up to much sometimes over it.
I think that if I can handle it I am going to try and wait until Father's Day hoping and praying that I get a bfp. I would love to surprise my dh with a gift of knowing that he is going to be a father finally.
Here's to hoping and biting fingernails.
My Story, The Begining
As promised here is my story. I was 16 when I was first visited by AF, which after a few months went on hiatus from my life. I went to FP because I knew one of the girls that worked there, they poked and proded, did blood tests and asked the question that I was soon to be asked over and over again in my life, could you be pregnant. At this time unless I was virgin Mary there was no way possible that this could be the answer. They sadly had problems believing me and sent me home with dozens of condoms. My best friends younger sister was in the car with me after my appointment so we thought we would put the condoms to good use. We started blowing them up and attached one to the radio antenna on my 85 Mercury Station Wagon and drove though the small town getting glares and funny looks with the blue blown up balloon flapping in the wind.
I can't remember anymore if I was offer bc at that time since it's been so many years. Doctors in New York had no idea what was going on with me and at the time (99) pcos was something that was not really understood or discussed.
I still had no AF when I turned 18 which was good and bad imo. I moved to Kansas to be with the love of my life that I had met though my best friend and her bf at the time online. I was seen by a pediatrician who again asked me if I was pregnant, again I posed the unless I am virgin Mary answer and that ended the conversation.
Feeling like h*ll having pains in my abdomen and no AF for years now I decided to take things into my own hands in 01, I did the only thing that I could think of doing at that time I turned my computer on and jumped in the net to see what I could Google up. The words cancer rolled on my screen like lightning, I had just lost my maternal grandmother who raised me from leukemia in 97 so the words cancer hurt like a knife in my chest. After a call from the pediatrician with the blood work she sent me a referral to a ob here in town that she felt could help with my condition. I saw her for the first time in the beginning of 02 after an ultrasound, and 100 vials of blood (or so it felt) I was told I had pcos. Luckily this was one of the best doctors in the state at the time and she knew all about pcos and how to treat it. Sadly she told me that cancer could occur if the lining gets too thick and is not expelled after a period of time and with a sol-um look on her face she told me that I might never be able to have kids. She started me on bc loestrin I believe it was at the time and that is when the pain and horror set in. That was the worst AF visit I had ever had, so I was put on ortho with the same results, then tri after 3 different kinds of bc I decided that I could not do it. When each cycle would greet AF I would find myself in bed in tears and bleeding to death from the inside out. In 03 my boyfriend at the time asked me to be his wife, we moved in together and started out life. We ttc for years without any luck I was allergic to the later in condoms so it was a possibility that a bfp could occur or so I thought in my head.
I had been working as a CNA and in late 04 had what I considered a nervous breakdown, and from the point on had panic attacks that started to control my life. I went to a therapist after researching online what I could have and after many visits to the er thinking I was dying and was diagnosed in early 05 with panic attacks and started on medication to help me function.
Dh and I were married in 05 and I had not had AF for a few years at that time, I was in no hurry to go back to the agonizing pain of a visit from AF. At this time my dh realized that instead of having AF I would have quiet weeks as we called them, were I couldn't talk or get the words out, my voice was very weak and it felt as if I was trying to shout but only a whisper would come out. Those were the weeks that I would be able to do nothing but think about things.
We bought out first house closed and moved in on Halloween 05, the next day I left for NY to move my maternal grandfather in with us. From 05 to April of 08 when he died is a bit of a blur to me, I didn't take care of myself and neglected everything with my body but my panic attacks, having AF at the time was not in my head. In 08 I went to a new ob for a full workup and was started on provera every 3 months and met, which after a few months I stopped doing. After a hell of a AF where I almost went to the er and was prescribed pain meds I was referred back to the ob that had first diagnosed me and tried to treat me in 02. She did more workups, ultrasounds, blood work and realized that things had changed, she gave me two options fertility treatment now or a mirena. I said lets do this we really want a child, so began the new meds, stronger dose of met, provera and then femara for one full cycle with instructions to come back after the femara to get injections if I had any viable follicles. I was layed off of my job mid cycle of all of this and knew that I couldn't afford to do the shots or anymore treatment with my doc so I prayed for the best and received a BFN.
In 10 I was diagnosed with Bipolar and so that journey began as well.
Another thing that was not helping was the fact that I had scoliosis and was starting to have back pain and many issues with it going out. My doc told me it's only a matter of time before I become to a state where I might not be able to do simple things like lift and etc. So now not only is my clock ticking as I approach 30 next year, another clock is ticking one for my back.
I went back to my OB this year and found that she was leaving so I went to another one that I had seen previously. She posed the question of what do you want to do after you take the bc because you have to have an AF knowing that my last one was in early 10. We chose the bc Tri-Sprintec and I was told to stop it in 6 months after things hopefully get straightened out with my body. After 3 months I was again in agony and my ob called to see how I was doing. We agreed that 4 months should be enough and to contact her if we didn't have a bfp 2 months after stopping. At this point every hair on my body had a reaction to the pills, I had little pimple like things all over and was in hell.
So here we are my 4 months is up and the waiting is beginning.
Dh said in Feb that you know when it's time to have children and said that he felt this was out year. Lets hope that this is true. I feel like a failure not being able to give him children as easily as many people do, he wants children so bad and I do too. At times I feel defective, if it's not because of my pcos, it's because of my mental issues as well as my back issues. But if anything I have hope and at this point should have stock in pg tests, if I was smart years ago I would have bought stock because I sure have hell helped them and made them some money by buying them all the time.
I can't remember anymore if I was offer bc at that time since it's been so many years. Doctors in New York had no idea what was going on with me and at the time (99) pcos was something that was not really understood or discussed.
I still had no AF when I turned 18 which was good and bad imo. I moved to Kansas to be with the love of my life that I had met though my best friend and her bf at the time online. I was seen by a pediatrician who again asked me if I was pregnant, again I posed the unless I am virgin Mary answer and that ended the conversation.
Feeling like h*ll having pains in my abdomen and no AF for years now I decided to take things into my own hands in 01, I did the only thing that I could think of doing at that time I turned my computer on and jumped in the net to see what I could Google up. The words cancer rolled on my screen like lightning, I had just lost my maternal grandmother who raised me from leukemia in 97 so the words cancer hurt like a knife in my chest. After a call from the pediatrician with the blood work she sent me a referral to a ob here in town that she felt could help with my condition. I saw her for the first time in the beginning of 02 after an ultrasound, and 100 vials of blood (or so it felt) I was told I had pcos. Luckily this was one of the best doctors in the state at the time and she knew all about pcos and how to treat it. Sadly she told me that cancer could occur if the lining gets too thick and is not expelled after a period of time and with a sol-um look on her face she told me that I might never be able to have kids. She started me on bc loestrin I believe it was at the time and that is when the pain and horror set in. That was the worst AF visit I had ever had, so I was put on ortho with the same results, then tri after 3 different kinds of bc I decided that I could not do it. When each cycle would greet AF I would find myself in bed in tears and bleeding to death from the inside out. In 03 my boyfriend at the time asked me to be his wife, we moved in together and started out life. We ttc for years without any luck I was allergic to the later in condoms so it was a possibility that a bfp could occur or so I thought in my head.
I had been working as a CNA and in late 04 had what I considered a nervous breakdown, and from the point on had panic attacks that started to control my life. I went to a therapist after researching online what I could have and after many visits to the er thinking I was dying and was diagnosed in early 05 with panic attacks and started on medication to help me function.
Dh and I were married in 05 and I had not had AF for a few years at that time, I was in no hurry to go back to the agonizing pain of a visit from AF. At this time my dh realized that instead of having AF I would have quiet weeks as we called them, were I couldn't talk or get the words out, my voice was very weak and it felt as if I was trying to shout but only a whisper would come out. Those were the weeks that I would be able to do nothing but think about things.
We bought out first house closed and moved in on Halloween 05, the next day I left for NY to move my maternal grandfather in with us. From 05 to April of 08 when he died is a bit of a blur to me, I didn't take care of myself and neglected everything with my body but my panic attacks, having AF at the time was not in my head. In 08 I went to a new ob for a full workup and was started on provera every 3 months and met, which after a few months I stopped doing. After a hell of a AF where I almost went to the er and was prescribed pain meds I was referred back to the ob that had first diagnosed me and tried to treat me in 02. She did more workups, ultrasounds, blood work and realized that things had changed, she gave me two options fertility treatment now or a mirena. I said lets do this we really want a child, so began the new meds, stronger dose of met, provera and then femara for one full cycle with instructions to come back after the femara to get injections if I had any viable follicles. I was layed off of my job mid cycle of all of this and knew that I couldn't afford to do the shots or anymore treatment with my doc so I prayed for the best and received a BFN.
In 10 I was diagnosed with Bipolar and so that journey began as well.
Another thing that was not helping was the fact that I had scoliosis and was starting to have back pain and many issues with it going out. My doc told me it's only a matter of time before I become to a state where I might not be able to do simple things like lift and etc. So now not only is my clock ticking as I approach 30 next year, another clock is ticking one for my back.
I went back to my OB this year and found that she was leaving so I went to another one that I had seen previously. She posed the question of what do you want to do after you take the bc because you have to have an AF knowing that my last one was in early 10. We chose the bc Tri-Sprintec and I was told to stop it in 6 months after things hopefully get straightened out with my body. After 3 months I was again in agony and my ob called to see how I was doing. We agreed that 4 months should be enough and to contact her if we didn't have a bfp 2 months after stopping. At this point every hair on my body had a reaction to the pills, I had little pimple like things all over and was in hell.
So here we are my 4 months is up and the waiting is beginning.
Dh said in Feb that you know when it's time to have children and said that he felt this was out year. Lets hope that this is true. I feel like a failure not being able to give him children as easily as many people do, he wants children so bad and I do too. At times I feel defective, if it's not because of my pcos, it's because of my mental issues as well as my back issues. But if anything I have hope and at this point should have stock in pg tests, if I was smart years ago I would have bought stock because I sure have hell helped them and made them some money by buying them all the time.
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