I have heard it over and over again time and time again only a few times in the doctors office but if my poas could talk I would want to be deaf.
I went to my doctors appointment yesterday for my blood draw to get my levels. I was called back and the nurse told me the doctor wanted to talk to me in a room.
I knew from the look on her face that the results were negative and she tried to be super sweet about it. I have never broken down before but I just couldn't stop crying, so much so that my doctor started to cry and gave me a hug.
9 looooong years and we still have the same result as we did back then.
I tried to be all chipper and say oh well it's just not time and everything happens for a reason to the doctor in hopes that I could pull myself together enough to walk out of the room through the hall and the waiting room without looking like a fool. My doctor said that she could suggest I go see another ob who specializes in these things, I told her I have been before had a full work up and one round of femara with no success. She left the offer there for me an asked if I wanted to go and see my previous ob in a few months, since the doctor that I had starting seeing only sees pregnant people. I told her I would think on it.
Adding insult to injury when I went up front I decided that I should maybe schedule another appt with my orignal ob, and I said I need to schedule with so and so, she looked up at me and said wait your pregnant and should see the doctor you just saw. I know that the girl probably didn't say it that loud, but it was loud enough that it brought tears again. I tried to hold it togehter until I got to the car and just broke down, I had to go to the drugs store on the way home and by the time I got there I could at least control myself, kind of.
I came home and thought I would watch tv to get my mind off of things and a damn first response pregnancy test commercial came on. It was like adding insult to injury.
On top of being super sick from a stomach bug or something I was stressed and just went home and cried myself to sleep.
My cousin, who is also my bff and pretty much my adopted sister always says she is willing to carry for us, my dh's little swimmers and her eggs and give us a child. I don't like the thought of that tho, I mean I am very honored that she would offer but it almost feels like an insult that I would even have to consider that as an option.
My heart hurts, I felt so worthless. I debated on just selling all the baby stuff that I had occurred over the years and giving up, and then I thought maybe just one last shot, go big or go home.
I am upping my exercise, my water intake and I am going to start watching all the calories I take in (well all but on my birthday next week I will give myself a little leniency there) and try to move mountains with making my body cooperate. Last night I decided to finally order Clomid from IHP online, I received the email tonight that it had been shipped. I also went to the natural foods store and got the fertil aid tea that I ordered in and will find a way to be able to drink it, so far with lemon is too bitter.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Dear Heart of Mine
Dear Heart Of Mine
No matter how many stars you wish on or pennies you throw in a fountain if it's not mean to be it wont happen. Everything does truly happen for a reason, believe it for a change, know that you are where you are because it means you are meant to do better things. Regardless if you feel like shit remember you will be OK! You will breathe in and out this second you will look up, get strength and you CAN and WILL pick up and move on. You will make it through to see and enjoy a silver lined cloud when it's mean to happen you just have to sit and wait for the rain to stop, I promise the pain or sadness won't linger forever just as rain it too stops.
Love Reality of The Mind
No matter how many stars you wish on or pennies you throw in a fountain if it's not mean to be it wont happen. Everything does truly happen for a reason, believe it for a change, know that you are where you are because it means you are meant to do better things. Regardless if you feel like shit remember you will be OK! You will breathe in and out this second you will look up, get strength and you CAN and WILL pick up and move on. You will make it through to see and enjoy a silver lined cloud when it's mean to happen you just have to sit and wait for the rain to stop, I promise the pain or sadness won't linger forever just as rain it too stops.
Love Reality of The Mind
*sigh*
I had gotten my one bfp and bfn last week on dollar store kind and worried that I was a) reading it wrong b) buying something that wasn't trust worthy or c) just looking for a reason to ensure that I was bfp.
Clear blue advised me that I was bfn, I have hopes that it might just be wrong in my heart, but I think my head is being realistic that I am once again back to where I was before I started taking bcp.
So the hopes that my ob had when I went to see her in Feb don't seem like a possibility or reality to me anymore.
Result is me feeling like crap today I feel like I am in a rabbit hole and depressed. I go back and forth with ordering clomid online but then I think what if I am already pg and the test is wrong. I will then have spent money that I didn't need to and get something that is not needed. On the other hand I feel like if I don't order it and I am not pg that I am just pushing back my goal and robbing myself of a happy day.
I am trying to be optomistic and think that this is happening for a reason but having a hard time with making myself believe it. I am truly good at giving advise but not good at taking my own.
Clear blue advised me that I was bfn, I have hopes that it might just be wrong in my heart, but I think my head is being realistic that I am once again back to where I was before I started taking bcp.
So the hopes that my ob had when I went to see her in Feb don't seem like a possibility or reality to me anymore.
Result is me feeling like crap today I feel like I am in a rabbit hole and depressed. I go back and forth with ordering clomid online but then I think what if I am already pg and the test is wrong. I will then have spent money that I didn't need to and get something that is not needed. On the other hand I feel like if I don't order it and I am not pg that I am just pushing back my goal and robbing myself of a happy day.
I am trying to be optomistic and think that this is happening for a reason but having a hard time with making myself believe it. I am truly good at giving advise but not good at taking my own.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
To BFP or not to BFP that is the question...
BFP 7/1
BFN 7/3
Both were dollar store tests so I am not sure how accurate either of the results really are.
I went to the doctors yesterday which was super fast they sent off blood and I have a follow up on Monday with them, fingers crossed that after 9 years of trying we will finally have our day. I had to go to another Ob in the same office, I guess the one I had been seeing was arnp, although I sort of understand that I might need a dr to oversee it I am just in a haze over everything they told me, my old arnp Ob would have sat with me and even called me last evening she was fantastic at follow ups like that. She saw me walk down the hall and said what are you doing here, I joked and said idk I will let you know later on. She is super sweet!
The new Ob seems nice she was really thorough or so I guess since this is a road that I haven't been down before. She gave me all the info because she thinks I am but after having pcos for years and not ever being bfp I am not trying to get my hopes up too high but it's hard not to. And as they do with all the women that come in for pregnancy they had me talk to a social worker, I hated that so much.
Ob took me all most of my meds and I am waiting to hear back the results before I go off my lamictal, which I dread but if it's for the baby then I know that I can find the strength to do it.
Without some of my meds today has been horrible, the pain in my hands and freezing has begun and my back seems to keep catching in place. If I am pg though I would be 5 weeks along so if I jumped off all my meds then I would be able to go back on MOST of them after I hit 12 weeks. Although in my head 7 weeks seems like forever and I now see how much my body depends on my meds to function.
Ob said something that has me confused though if I have pcos and get pregnant then she doesn't consider it a pcos pregnancy.... whatever that means
DH said it would be a miracle when we talked about it last night. Just hoping that our miracle has started.
Anyways so after 3 hours, mounds of paperwork, a visit with a social worker, piac, and 10 vials of blood later I came home yesterday. Right now I just plan to go and buy a test from walmart since I am already out and getting stuff there and then well I guess take it but be optomistic about whatever the outcome might be at the Dr's Monday.
*Baby Dust To All*
BFN 7/3
Both were dollar store tests so I am not sure how accurate either of the results really are.
I went to the doctors yesterday which was super fast they sent off blood and I have a follow up on Monday with them, fingers crossed that after 9 years of trying we will finally have our day. I had to go to another Ob in the same office, I guess the one I had been seeing was arnp, although I sort of understand that I might need a dr to oversee it I am just in a haze over everything they told me, my old arnp Ob would have sat with me and even called me last evening she was fantastic at follow ups like that. She saw me walk down the hall and said what are you doing here, I joked and said idk I will let you know later on. She is super sweet!
The new Ob seems nice she was really thorough or so I guess since this is a road that I haven't been down before. She gave me all the info because she thinks I am but after having pcos for years and not ever being bfp I am not trying to get my hopes up too high but it's hard not to. And as they do with all the women that come in for pregnancy they had me talk to a social worker, I hated that so much.
Ob took me all most of my meds and I am waiting to hear back the results before I go off my lamictal, which I dread but if it's for the baby then I know that I can find the strength to do it.
Without some of my meds today has been horrible, the pain in my hands and freezing has begun and my back seems to keep catching in place. If I am pg though I would be 5 weeks along so if I jumped off all my meds then I would be able to go back on MOST of them after I hit 12 weeks. Although in my head 7 weeks seems like forever and I now see how much my body depends on my meds to function.
Ob said something that has me confused though if I have pcos and get pregnant then she doesn't consider it a pcos pregnancy.... whatever that means
DH said it would be a miracle when we talked about it last night. Just hoping that our miracle has started.
Anyways so after 3 hours, mounds of paperwork, a visit with a social worker, piac, and 10 vials of blood later I came home yesterday. Right now I just plan to go and buy a test from walmart since I am already out and getting stuff there and then well I guess take it but be optomistic about whatever the outcome might be at the Dr's Monday.
*Baby Dust To All*
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