Thursday, December 27, 2012
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
The problem of pains
I finally broke down and called my ob's office today to see if they could get me in. I have been having horrible sharp pains, which I blamed on my pcos and possibly rupturing cysts. However after almost a week of this terrible pain that makes me go to my knees, once a day I decided it's time to see whats going on.
I am sure that it will end up with more lab tests and another ultrasound, since it has been forever and of course another drs office poas test. I don't even want to hear the bfn explanation that accompanies the results. Don't get my wrong my ob is fantastic and wants us to have children, almost as much as we do it seems. But she always has to give me the spiel.
Due to the holiday and their office being closed Monday and Tuesday, I have to wait for the nurse to call me back so I can schedule an appt with my ob.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Alice in Wonderland
My sister said that she felt like she had fell down the rabbit hole last night and I think that it sounds like a great analogy as to what is going on with my life currently. Between looking for a job, school and bills my sleep or lack thereof it at it's all time low and my stress level is at a record high.
I have gotten over the initial reaction to finding out many of my friends are pregnant and have been able to pretty much let it go. I have been getting into the classroom for my observation and love it, but it also makes me happy that non of the children their are mine. As much as I would like a child, I am not sure if I would be a good mother, but I know my dh would be a fantastic father.
My back was giving me issues a few weeks ago and it reminded me how much time I have left before that will become a huge issue in my life, so the whole baby thing it kinda at a now or never situation. With that said I have an appointment with a fertility specialist in November, who is supposedly the best in town and he will give me the honest facts about our chances of ttc.
I have gotten over the initial reaction to finding out many of my friends are pregnant and have been able to pretty much let it go. I have been getting into the classroom for my observation and love it, but it also makes me happy that non of the children their are mine. As much as I would like a child, I am not sure if I would be a good mother, but I know my dh would be a fantastic father.
My back was giving me issues a few weeks ago and it reminded me how much time I have left before that will become a huge issue in my life, so the whole baby thing it kinda at a now or never situation. With that said I have an appointment with a fertility specialist in November, who is supposedly the best in town and he will give me the honest facts about our chances of ttc.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Catalogs and Sonograms
It must be baby season because that is all I have been hearing lately. 4 friends in a little over 2 weeks have told me that they were expecting. While I am super happy for them, it makes me feel like my heart is breaking (or a deep sadness, both feel the same to me). Today the first of many sonograms from my friends showed itself to facebook and across my screen, this is where I have been all day, in this kind of mood (why me).
Tonight, after spending some time with a friend who does day care, and holding and playing with a 10 month old I felt like there was hope, finally. But then I went to get the mail and the Target baby catalog was in it. The first thing that came into my head was what sob signed me up for this crap, since it didn't say to so and so or current resident.
When I walked in the door, as I hurled the thing across the room in anger was when did they start sending these things out again and as odd as it sounds is what I have been trying to focus on since that damn catalog came into the house. I would at this point be reading each page and making mental notes of things I would like to have. But I have a spare bedroom with things in it already, we don't lack much other than a crib, changing table and the baby for that room. So I have been trying to focus on anything that can keep me out of that state of mind.
Its hard to not keep thinking of how it felt as Brooke put her (10 month old) head against my chest and fall asleep earlier, but like my target issue I am trying to not let that consume me.
Thankfully I have soulcysters where I don't feel alone, while not everyone there is going through the same exact thing, it's like Cheers where everybody knows your name and they're always glad you came.... and now back there I go.
Tonight, after spending some time with a friend who does day care, and holding and playing with a 10 month old I felt like there was hope, finally. But then I went to get the mail and the Target baby catalog was in it. The first thing that came into my head was what sob signed me up for this crap, since it didn't say to so and so or current resident.
When I walked in the door, as I hurled the thing across the room in anger was when did they start sending these things out again and as odd as it sounds is what I have been trying to focus on since that damn catalog came into the house. I would at this point be reading each page and making mental notes of things I would like to have. But I have a spare bedroom with things in it already, we don't lack much other than a crib, changing table and the baby for that room. So I have been trying to focus on anything that can keep me out of that state of mind.
Its hard to not keep thinking of how it felt as Brooke put her (10 month old) head against my chest and fall asleep earlier, but like my target issue I am trying to not let that consume me.
Thankfully I have soulcysters where I don't feel alone, while not everyone there is going through the same exact thing, it's like Cheers where everybody knows your name and they're always glad you came.... and now back there I go.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Broken Record
I have heard it over and over again time and time again only a few times in the doctors office but if my poas could talk I would want to be deaf.
I went to my doctors appointment yesterday for my blood draw to get my levels. I was called back and the nurse told me the doctor wanted to talk to me in a room.
I knew from the look on her face that the results were negative and she tried to be super sweet about it. I have never broken down before but I just couldn't stop crying, so much so that my doctor started to cry and gave me a hug.
9 looooong years and we still have the same result as we did back then.
I tried to be all chipper and say oh well it's just not time and everything happens for a reason to the doctor in hopes that I could pull myself together enough to walk out of the room through the hall and the waiting room without looking like a fool. My doctor said that she could suggest I go see another ob who specializes in these things, I told her I have been before had a full work up and one round of femara with no success. She left the offer there for me an asked if I wanted to go and see my previous ob in a few months, since the doctor that I had starting seeing only sees pregnant people. I told her I would think on it.
Adding insult to injury when I went up front I decided that I should maybe schedule another appt with my orignal ob, and I said I need to schedule with so and so, she looked up at me and said wait your pregnant and should see the doctor you just saw. I know that the girl probably didn't say it that loud, but it was loud enough that it brought tears again. I tried to hold it togehter until I got to the car and just broke down, I had to go to the drugs store on the way home and by the time I got there I could at least control myself, kind of.
I came home and thought I would watch tv to get my mind off of things and a damn first response pregnancy test commercial came on. It was like adding insult to injury.
On top of being super sick from a stomach bug or something I was stressed and just went home and cried myself to sleep.
My cousin, who is also my bff and pretty much my adopted sister always says she is willing to carry for us, my dh's little swimmers and her eggs and give us a child. I don't like the thought of that tho, I mean I am very honored that she would offer but it almost feels like an insult that I would even have to consider that as an option.
My heart hurts, I felt so worthless. I debated on just selling all the baby stuff that I had occurred over the years and giving up, and then I thought maybe just one last shot, go big or go home.
I am upping my exercise, my water intake and I am going to start watching all the calories I take in (well all but on my birthday next week I will give myself a little leniency there) and try to move mountains with making my body cooperate. Last night I decided to finally order Clomid from IHP online, I received the email tonight that it had been shipped. I also went to the natural foods store and got the fertil aid tea that I ordered in and will find a way to be able to drink it, so far with lemon is too bitter.
I went to my doctors appointment yesterday for my blood draw to get my levels. I was called back and the nurse told me the doctor wanted to talk to me in a room.
I knew from the look on her face that the results were negative and she tried to be super sweet about it. I have never broken down before but I just couldn't stop crying, so much so that my doctor started to cry and gave me a hug.
9 looooong years and we still have the same result as we did back then.
I tried to be all chipper and say oh well it's just not time and everything happens for a reason to the doctor in hopes that I could pull myself together enough to walk out of the room through the hall and the waiting room without looking like a fool. My doctor said that she could suggest I go see another ob who specializes in these things, I told her I have been before had a full work up and one round of femara with no success. She left the offer there for me an asked if I wanted to go and see my previous ob in a few months, since the doctor that I had starting seeing only sees pregnant people. I told her I would think on it.
Adding insult to injury when I went up front I decided that I should maybe schedule another appt with my orignal ob, and I said I need to schedule with so and so, she looked up at me and said wait your pregnant and should see the doctor you just saw. I know that the girl probably didn't say it that loud, but it was loud enough that it brought tears again. I tried to hold it togehter until I got to the car and just broke down, I had to go to the drugs store on the way home and by the time I got there I could at least control myself, kind of.
I came home and thought I would watch tv to get my mind off of things and a damn first response pregnancy test commercial came on. It was like adding insult to injury.
On top of being super sick from a stomach bug or something I was stressed and just went home and cried myself to sleep.
My cousin, who is also my bff and pretty much my adopted sister always says she is willing to carry for us, my dh's little swimmers and her eggs and give us a child. I don't like the thought of that tho, I mean I am very honored that she would offer but it almost feels like an insult that I would even have to consider that as an option.
My heart hurts, I felt so worthless. I debated on just selling all the baby stuff that I had occurred over the years and giving up, and then I thought maybe just one last shot, go big or go home.
I am upping my exercise, my water intake and I am going to start watching all the calories I take in (well all but on my birthday next week I will give myself a little leniency there) and try to move mountains with making my body cooperate. Last night I decided to finally order Clomid from IHP online, I received the email tonight that it had been shipped. I also went to the natural foods store and got the fertil aid tea that I ordered in and will find a way to be able to drink it, so far with lemon is too bitter.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Dear Heart of Mine
Dear Heart Of Mine
No matter how many stars you wish on or pennies you throw in a fountain if it's not mean to be it wont happen. Everything does truly happen for a reason, believe it for a change, know that you are where you are because it means you are meant to do better things. Regardless if you feel like shit remember you will be OK! You will breathe in and out this second you will look up, get strength and you CAN and WILL pick up and move on. You will make it through to see and enjoy a silver lined cloud when it's mean to happen you just have to sit and wait for the rain to stop, I promise the pain or sadness won't linger forever just as rain it too stops.
Love Reality of The Mind
No matter how many stars you wish on or pennies you throw in a fountain if it's not mean to be it wont happen. Everything does truly happen for a reason, believe it for a change, know that you are where you are because it means you are meant to do better things. Regardless if you feel like shit remember you will be OK! You will breathe in and out this second you will look up, get strength and you CAN and WILL pick up and move on. You will make it through to see and enjoy a silver lined cloud when it's mean to happen you just have to sit and wait for the rain to stop, I promise the pain or sadness won't linger forever just as rain it too stops.
Love Reality of The Mind
*sigh*
I had gotten my one bfp and bfn last week on dollar store kind and worried that I was a) reading it wrong b) buying something that wasn't trust worthy or c) just looking for a reason to ensure that I was bfp.
Clear blue advised me that I was bfn, I have hopes that it might just be wrong in my heart, but I think my head is being realistic that I am once again back to where I was before I started taking bcp.
So the hopes that my ob had when I went to see her in Feb don't seem like a possibility or reality to me anymore.
Result is me feeling like crap today I feel like I am in a rabbit hole and depressed. I go back and forth with ordering clomid online but then I think what if I am already pg and the test is wrong. I will then have spent money that I didn't need to and get something that is not needed. On the other hand I feel like if I don't order it and I am not pg that I am just pushing back my goal and robbing myself of a happy day.
I am trying to be optomistic and think that this is happening for a reason but having a hard time with making myself believe it. I am truly good at giving advise but not good at taking my own.
Clear blue advised me that I was bfn, I have hopes that it might just be wrong in my heart, but I think my head is being realistic that I am once again back to where I was before I started taking bcp.
So the hopes that my ob had when I went to see her in Feb don't seem like a possibility or reality to me anymore.
Result is me feeling like crap today I feel like I am in a rabbit hole and depressed. I go back and forth with ordering clomid online but then I think what if I am already pg and the test is wrong. I will then have spent money that I didn't need to and get something that is not needed. On the other hand I feel like if I don't order it and I am not pg that I am just pushing back my goal and robbing myself of a happy day.
I am trying to be optomistic and think that this is happening for a reason but having a hard time with making myself believe it. I am truly good at giving advise but not good at taking my own.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
To BFP or not to BFP that is the question...
BFP 7/1
BFN 7/3
Both were dollar store tests so I am not sure how accurate either of the results really are.
I went to the doctors yesterday which was super fast they sent off blood and I have a follow up on Monday with them, fingers crossed that after 9 years of trying we will finally have our day. I had to go to another Ob in the same office, I guess the one I had been seeing was arnp, although I sort of understand that I might need a dr to oversee it I am just in a haze over everything they told me, my old arnp Ob would have sat with me and even called me last evening she was fantastic at follow ups like that. She saw me walk down the hall and said what are you doing here, I joked and said idk I will let you know later on. She is super sweet!
The new Ob seems nice she was really thorough or so I guess since this is a road that I haven't been down before. She gave me all the info because she thinks I am but after having pcos for years and not ever being bfp I am not trying to get my hopes up too high but it's hard not to. And as they do with all the women that come in for pregnancy they had me talk to a social worker, I hated that so much.
Ob took me all most of my meds and I am waiting to hear back the results before I go off my lamictal, which I dread but if it's for the baby then I know that I can find the strength to do it.
Without some of my meds today has been horrible, the pain in my hands and freezing has begun and my back seems to keep catching in place. If I am pg though I would be 5 weeks along so if I jumped off all my meds then I would be able to go back on MOST of them after I hit 12 weeks. Although in my head 7 weeks seems like forever and I now see how much my body depends on my meds to function.
Ob said something that has me confused though if I have pcos and get pregnant then she doesn't consider it a pcos pregnancy.... whatever that means
DH said it would be a miracle when we talked about it last night. Just hoping that our miracle has started.
Anyways so after 3 hours, mounds of paperwork, a visit with a social worker, piac, and 10 vials of blood later I came home yesterday. Right now I just plan to go and buy a test from walmart since I am already out and getting stuff there and then well I guess take it but be optomistic about whatever the outcome might be at the Dr's Monday.
*Baby Dust To All*
BFN 7/3
Both were dollar store tests so I am not sure how accurate either of the results really are.
I went to the doctors yesterday which was super fast they sent off blood and I have a follow up on Monday with them, fingers crossed that after 9 years of trying we will finally have our day. I had to go to another Ob in the same office, I guess the one I had been seeing was arnp, although I sort of understand that I might need a dr to oversee it I am just in a haze over everything they told me, my old arnp Ob would have sat with me and even called me last evening she was fantastic at follow ups like that. She saw me walk down the hall and said what are you doing here, I joked and said idk I will let you know later on. She is super sweet!
The new Ob seems nice she was really thorough or so I guess since this is a road that I haven't been down before. She gave me all the info because she thinks I am but after having pcos for years and not ever being bfp I am not trying to get my hopes up too high but it's hard not to. And as they do with all the women that come in for pregnancy they had me talk to a social worker, I hated that so much.
Ob took me all most of my meds and I am waiting to hear back the results before I go off my lamictal, which I dread but if it's for the baby then I know that I can find the strength to do it.
Without some of my meds today has been horrible, the pain in my hands and freezing has begun and my back seems to keep catching in place. If I am pg though I would be 5 weeks along so if I jumped off all my meds then I would be able to go back on MOST of them after I hit 12 weeks. Although in my head 7 weeks seems like forever and I now see how much my body depends on my meds to function.
Ob said something that has me confused though if I have pcos and get pregnant then she doesn't consider it a pcos pregnancy.... whatever that means
DH said it would be a miracle when we talked about it last night. Just hoping that our miracle has started.
Anyways so after 3 hours, mounds of paperwork, a visit with a social worker, piac, and 10 vials of blood later I came home yesterday. Right now I just plan to go and buy a test from walmart since I am already out and getting stuff there and then well I guess take it but be optomistic about whatever the outcome might be at the Dr's Monday.
*Baby Dust To All*
Monday, June 25, 2012
POAS-BFN
Well I had really high hopes this cycle about getting our bfp but none the less 3 pg test on different days =BFN. Today is cycle day 31 and no bfp or af, I guess I can't count myself out until af appears. However I have a feeling that it's going to go back to being erratic again. After I took my last bcp from my last pack af left earlier than she had.
This puts us back to square one ;?
Dh had been chatting with one of his friends and was asked the usual question after he told them he was married: how many children do you have. What I was thinking was Zero, Zip, Zilch, Nada. He said nicely that we needed medication to have children. Inside my heart sank as it does with every bfn that greats me. My head kept saying your a failure, you can't even have children and it's something that when you first got with dh and were dating you agreed you wanted and that it was important to have.
I have stopped buying baby stuff, I still scower cl to see what is there when I am bored. But I can't stand to see another picture of a baby all happy in an outfit, crib, boppy, arms or their parents. It feels like the mere thought of it is just tearing me apart.
All of my furry kiddos are having some health issues so I am at least able to focus on something other than that.
Had a huge pain in my left abdomen earlier out of nowhere it took my breath away and brought me to tears while I was driving my car. I couldn't move or take any breath for a few seconds and wasn't able to take deep breaths after or even move that much because the pain was subsiding but was still horrible. I had no idea what happened but it worried me that I might be pg, which is why I tested tonight.
Dh asked if it was a cyst ruptering when I told him about it ealrier. Luckily it has been a very long time since I have had one rupture and thinking about it as I write this it might have been since I can barley remember having a pain somewhat like it a long time ago when I was just sitting in bed watching TV.
Just another day in paradise... Just Sayin'
This puts us back to square one ;?
Dh had been chatting with one of his friends and was asked the usual question after he told them he was married: how many children do you have. What I was thinking was Zero, Zip, Zilch, Nada. He said nicely that we needed medication to have children. Inside my heart sank as it does with every bfn that greats me. My head kept saying your a failure, you can't even have children and it's something that when you first got with dh and were dating you agreed you wanted and that it was important to have.
I have stopped buying baby stuff, I still scower cl to see what is there when I am bored. But I can't stand to see another picture of a baby all happy in an outfit, crib, boppy, arms or their parents. It feels like the mere thought of it is just tearing me apart.
All of my furry kiddos are having some health issues so I am at least able to focus on something other than that.
Had a huge pain in my left abdomen earlier out of nowhere it took my breath away and brought me to tears while I was driving my car. I couldn't move or take any breath for a few seconds and wasn't able to take deep breaths after or even move that much because the pain was subsiding but was still horrible. I had no idea what happened but it worried me that I might be pg, which is why I tested tonight.
Dh asked if it was a cyst ruptering when I told him about it ealrier. Luckily it has been a very long time since I have had one rupture and thinking about it as I write this it might have been since I can barley remember having a pain somewhat like it a long time ago when I was just sitting in bed watching TV.
Just another day in paradise... Just Sayin'
Sunday, June 10, 2012
Psychologist Blues
I went to my usual 3 month visit with my psychologist, who really feels or has seemed to convey for all my past visits that having a child is a horrible thing for people that are bipolar. I tried to go off my meds back in 10 but I couldn't handle things once my meds were being deceased so I had to go back on them.
I was told by her that I would have to go off my meds for the first trimester and for the last 2 weeks before birth when I become pregnant and that my ob would have to give instructions to her if she feels I should go off or stay on. She said that she refuses to treat pg people without discussion from their ob.
I totally understand that having pcos puts me in a high risk category for pg anyways and I ain no means wanting to add anything to my life that could hurt me or the baby (cleft lip is predominant with the meds if I was to take them with being pg). I am scared as hell though that I will not be able to control myself and that when my meds are decreased and stopped my world will become bad. I have been on these meds so long they are my crutch and when I don't take them for a night if I am super sick and gracing the porcelain god I am out of it and feel it the next day.
My sleep has been funky, with the stress of everything looking for a job going back to school and now this I feel tired but can't shut my mind off. I finally pass out early in the am and sleep until mid morning. My only hope is that when I have to go off my meds I can occupy myself with things to the point that I can control myself and where I don't feel out of it the last thing I want to do is to have a sever manic state of even a panic attack and have no options for help in the form of meds. I am however researching options in the more natural way ie vitamins to see if I can maybe take some of them and at least get some assistance even though I feel that nothing will be able to help me as much as my meds do right now.
At the moment all I can do is hope and wait...
I was told by her that I would have to go off my meds for the first trimester and for the last 2 weeks before birth when I become pregnant and that my ob would have to give instructions to her if she feels I should go off or stay on. She said that she refuses to treat pg people without discussion from their ob.
I totally understand that having pcos puts me in a high risk category for pg anyways and I ain no means wanting to add anything to my life that could hurt me or the baby (cleft lip is predominant with the meds if I was to take them with being pg). I am scared as hell though that I will not be able to control myself and that when my meds are decreased and stopped my world will become bad. I have been on these meds so long they are my crutch and when I don't take them for a night if I am super sick and gracing the porcelain god I am out of it and feel it the next day.
My sleep has been funky, with the stress of everything looking for a job going back to school and now this I feel tired but can't shut my mind off. I finally pass out early in the am and sleep until mid morning. My only hope is that when I have to go off my meds I can occupy myself with things to the point that I can control myself and where I don't feel out of it the last thing I want to do is to have a sever manic state of even a panic attack and have no options for help in the form of meds. I am however researching options in the more natural way ie vitamins to see if I can maybe take some of them and at least get some assistance even though I feel that nothing will be able to help me as much as my meds do right now.
At the moment all I can do is hope and wait...
CD crazy
So my "window" might have come and gone this month. I have not bbt so I have no idea how to do it and with only having this 2 months to try again I am not in the mood to push it back and just try next month. There has been a lot of next months in my life and I just want it to be this month, my month.
Today is CD 15, I am lurking the soulcysters board trying to figure out when to test. I have had some nausea so far but I think it's my nerves I have had symptoms of pg before but not been, I think I work myself up to much sometimes over it.
I think that if I can handle it I am going to try and wait until Father's Day hoping and praying that I get a bfp. I would love to surprise my dh with a gift of knowing that he is going to be a father finally.
Here's to hoping and biting fingernails.
Today is CD 15, I am lurking the soulcysters board trying to figure out when to test. I have had some nausea so far but I think it's my nerves I have had symptoms of pg before but not been, I think I work myself up to much sometimes over it.
I think that if I can handle it I am going to try and wait until Father's Day hoping and praying that I get a bfp. I would love to surprise my dh with a gift of knowing that he is going to be a father finally.
Here's to hoping and biting fingernails.
My Story, The Begining
As promised here is my story. I was 16 when I was first visited by AF, which after a few months went on hiatus from my life. I went to FP because I knew one of the girls that worked there, they poked and proded, did blood tests and asked the question that I was soon to be asked over and over again in my life, could you be pregnant. At this time unless I was virgin Mary there was no way possible that this could be the answer. They sadly had problems believing me and sent me home with dozens of condoms. My best friends younger sister was in the car with me after my appointment so we thought we would put the condoms to good use. We started blowing them up and attached one to the radio antenna on my 85 Mercury Station Wagon and drove though the small town getting glares and funny looks with the blue blown up balloon flapping in the wind.
I can't remember anymore if I was offer bc at that time since it's been so many years. Doctors in New York had no idea what was going on with me and at the time (99) pcos was something that was not really understood or discussed.
I still had no AF when I turned 18 which was good and bad imo. I moved to Kansas to be with the love of my life that I had met though my best friend and her bf at the time online. I was seen by a pediatrician who again asked me if I was pregnant, again I posed the unless I am virgin Mary answer and that ended the conversation.
Feeling like h*ll having pains in my abdomen and no AF for years now I decided to take things into my own hands in 01, I did the only thing that I could think of doing at that time I turned my computer on and jumped in the net to see what I could Google up. The words cancer rolled on my screen like lightning, I had just lost my maternal grandmother who raised me from leukemia in 97 so the words cancer hurt like a knife in my chest. After a call from the pediatrician with the blood work she sent me a referral to a ob here in town that she felt could help with my condition. I saw her for the first time in the beginning of 02 after an ultrasound, and 100 vials of blood (or so it felt) I was told I had pcos. Luckily this was one of the best doctors in the state at the time and she knew all about pcos and how to treat it. Sadly she told me that cancer could occur if the lining gets too thick and is not expelled after a period of time and with a sol-um look on her face she told me that I might never be able to have kids. She started me on bc loestrin I believe it was at the time and that is when the pain and horror set in. That was the worst AF visit I had ever had, so I was put on ortho with the same results, then tri after 3 different kinds of bc I decided that I could not do it. When each cycle would greet AF I would find myself in bed in tears and bleeding to death from the inside out. In 03 my boyfriend at the time asked me to be his wife, we moved in together and started out life. We ttc for years without any luck I was allergic to the later in condoms so it was a possibility that a bfp could occur or so I thought in my head.
I had been working as a CNA and in late 04 had what I considered a nervous breakdown, and from the point on had panic attacks that started to control my life. I went to a therapist after researching online what I could have and after many visits to the er thinking I was dying and was diagnosed in early 05 with panic attacks and started on medication to help me function.
Dh and I were married in 05 and I had not had AF for a few years at that time, I was in no hurry to go back to the agonizing pain of a visit from AF. At this time my dh realized that instead of having AF I would have quiet weeks as we called them, were I couldn't talk or get the words out, my voice was very weak and it felt as if I was trying to shout but only a whisper would come out. Those were the weeks that I would be able to do nothing but think about things.
We bought out first house closed and moved in on Halloween 05, the next day I left for NY to move my maternal grandfather in with us. From 05 to April of 08 when he died is a bit of a blur to me, I didn't take care of myself and neglected everything with my body but my panic attacks, having AF at the time was not in my head. In 08 I went to a new ob for a full workup and was started on provera every 3 months and met, which after a few months I stopped doing. After a hell of a AF where I almost went to the er and was prescribed pain meds I was referred back to the ob that had first diagnosed me and tried to treat me in 02. She did more workups, ultrasounds, blood work and realized that things had changed, she gave me two options fertility treatment now or a mirena. I said lets do this we really want a child, so began the new meds, stronger dose of met, provera and then femara for one full cycle with instructions to come back after the femara to get injections if I had any viable follicles. I was layed off of my job mid cycle of all of this and knew that I couldn't afford to do the shots or anymore treatment with my doc so I prayed for the best and received a BFN.
In 10 I was diagnosed with Bipolar and so that journey began as well.
Another thing that was not helping was the fact that I had scoliosis and was starting to have back pain and many issues with it going out. My doc told me it's only a matter of time before I become to a state where I might not be able to do simple things like lift and etc. So now not only is my clock ticking as I approach 30 next year, another clock is ticking one for my back.
I went back to my OB this year and found that she was leaving so I went to another one that I had seen previously. She posed the question of what do you want to do after you take the bc because you have to have an AF knowing that my last one was in early 10. We chose the bc Tri-Sprintec and I was told to stop it in 6 months after things hopefully get straightened out with my body. After 3 months I was again in agony and my ob called to see how I was doing. We agreed that 4 months should be enough and to contact her if we didn't have a bfp 2 months after stopping. At this point every hair on my body had a reaction to the pills, I had little pimple like things all over and was in hell.
So here we are my 4 months is up and the waiting is beginning.
Dh said in Feb that you know when it's time to have children and said that he felt this was out year. Lets hope that this is true. I feel like a failure not being able to give him children as easily as many people do, he wants children so bad and I do too. At times I feel defective, if it's not because of my pcos, it's because of my mental issues as well as my back issues. But if anything I have hope and at this point should have stock in pg tests, if I was smart years ago I would have bought stock because I sure have hell helped them and made them some money by buying them all the time.
I can't remember anymore if I was offer bc at that time since it's been so many years. Doctors in New York had no idea what was going on with me and at the time (99) pcos was something that was not really understood or discussed.
I still had no AF when I turned 18 which was good and bad imo. I moved to Kansas to be with the love of my life that I had met though my best friend and her bf at the time online. I was seen by a pediatrician who again asked me if I was pregnant, again I posed the unless I am virgin Mary answer and that ended the conversation.
Feeling like h*ll having pains in my abdomen and no AF for years now I decided to take things into my own hands in 01, I did the only thing that I could think of doing at that time I turned my computer on and jumped in the net to see what I could Google up. The words cancer rolled on my screen like lightning, I had just lost my maternal grandmother who raised me from leukemia in 97 so the words cancer hurt like a knife in my chest. After a call from the pediatrician with the blood work she sent me a referral to a ob here in town that she felt could help with my condition. I saw her for the first time in the beginning of 02 after an ultrasound, and 100 vials of blood (or so it felt) I was told I had pcos. Luckily this was one of the best doctors in the state at the time and she knew all about pcos and how to treat it. Sadly she told me that cancer could occur if the lining gets too thick and is not expelled after a period of time and with a sol-um look on her face she told me that I might never be able to have kids. She started me on bc loestrin I believe it was at the time and that is when the pain and horror set in. That was the worst AF visit I had ever had, so I was put on ortho with the same results, then tri after 3 different kinds of bc I decided that I could not do it. When each cycle would greet AF I would find myself in bed in tears and bleeding to death from the inside out. In 03 my boyfriend at the time asked me to be his wife, we moved in together and started out life. We ttc for years without any luck I was allergic to the later in condoms so it was a possibility that a bfp could occur or so I thought in my head.
I had been working as a CNA and in late 04 had what I considered a nervous breakdown, and from the point on had panic attacks that started to control my life. I went to a therapist after researching online what I could have and after many visits to the er thinking I was dying and was diagnosed in early 05 with panic attacks and started on medication to help me function.
Dh and I were married in 05 and I had not had AF for a few years at that time, I was in no hurry to go back to the agonizing pain of a visit from AF. At this time my dh realized that instead of having AF I would have quiet weeks as we called them, were I couldn't talk or get the words out, my voice was very weak and it felt as if I was trying to shout but only a whisper would come out. Those were the weeks that I would be able to do nothing but think about things.
We bought out first house closed and moved in on Halloween 05, the next day I left for NY to move my maternal grandfather in with us. From 05 to April of 08 when he died is a bit of a blur to me, I didn't take care of myself and neglected everything with my body but my panic attacks, having AF at the time was not in my head. In 08 I went to a new ob for a full workup and was started on provera every 3 months and met, which after a few months I stopped doing. After a hell of a AF where I almost went to the er and was prescribed pain meds I was referred back to the ob that had first diagnosed me and tried to treat me in 02. She did more workups, ultrasounds, blood work and realized that things had changed, she gave me two options fertility treatment now or a mirena. I said lets do this we really want a child, so began the new meds, stronger dose of met, provera and then femara for one full cycle with instructions to come back after the femara to get injections if I had any viable follicles. I was layed off of my job mid cycle of all of this and knew that I couldn't afford to do the shots or anymore treatment with my doc so I prayed for the best and received a BFN.
In 10 I was diagnosed with Bipolar and so that journey began as well.
Another thing that was not helping was the fact that I had scoliosis and was starting to have back pain and many issues with it going out. My doc told me it's only a matter of time before I become to a state where I might not be able to do simple things like lift and etc. So now not only is my clock ticking as I approach 30 next year, another clock is ticking one for my back.
I went back to my OB this year and found that she was leaving so I went to another one that I had seen previously. She posed the question of what do you want to do after you take the bc because you have to have an AF knowing that my last one was in early 10. We chose the bc Tri-Sprintec and I was told to stop it in 6 months after things hopefully get straightened out with my body. After 3 months I was again in agony and my ob called to see how I was doing. We agreed that 4 months should be enough and to contact her if we didn't have a bfp 2 months after stopping. At this point every hair on my body had a reaction to the pills, I had little pimple like things all over and was in hell.
So here we are my 4 months is up and the waiting is beginning.
Dh said in Feb that you know when it's time to have children and said that he felt this was out year. Lets hope that this is true. I feel like a failure not being able to give him children as easily as many people do, he wants children so bad and I do too. At times I feel defective, if it's not because of my pcos, it's because of my mental issues as well as my back issues. But if anything I have hope and at this point should have stock in pg tests, if I was smart years ago I would have bought stock because I sure have hell helped them and made them some money by buying them all the time.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Why Blogger?
It's been a while since I had logged onto my blog to post, guess it's been a long while actually and when I finally login ALL my posts are gone..*sigh* Sometimes the digital age sucks, especially since I had already written so much.
This is totally frustrating, I'll post a blog later with updates as well as info about my journey thus far.
This is totally frustrating, I'll post a blog later with updates as well as info about my journey thus far.
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