The crossroads

I am finally here, at the crossroad of our journey. It's been over 10 years and I just can't do it anymore, I am mentally drained, heart broken as each month passes, each test I take and feel as if I die inside with each ultrasound/baby shower/baby announcement that I see by people I know, or even a passerby. I've spent thousands on tests, drugs, herbal supplements without any success and I just can't do it anymore. As I drove in my car yesterday to Walmart I heard this song of the radio (link is below) and I feel like something clicked inside my soul, immediately I thought about our journey to be parents, the pain I have held deep inside of myself; feeling worthless, ugly, stupid and so on, I drive myself crazy with these thoughts all the time and honestly don't remember the person that I was when we started this journey, it's changed who I am what I want and what I do every day in so many ways.I felt like it was my "sign", my moment of truth...

I debated not writing this entry, today but after listening to the song last night, but I feel as if the lyrics came from my soul. I came home and cried, tears ran down my face and I felt relief, that I didn't know I could have. I've always been able to come up with the words to say, the stories to tell and the emotions to describe how I feel and what I want to say, but this time is not the same and I am out of words.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2U0Ivkn2Ds