Up in smoke

I'm devistated I think I blew this cycle wth my stupidity.

I think I'm going to take a few cycles off, as of tomorrow I'm out of clomid until I order it again and I'm just plain burnt out. I never thought that this would ever be so stressful and hard. 

My journeys birthday

What pcos has taught me. 

If it wasn't for pcos and my journey I might have never been able to find the strength thy lives inside of me, the love that I held so deeply and passionately in my heart for my husband/best friend, the trust that there is always a tomorrow and hope that things will happen when they are mean to happen if they are meant to happen at all. 

Tonight, the day before my 30th birthday I am starting a new, 2 little pills worth 50mg of clomid in my body that will help define my future but it won't tell me what I can or cannot do in the end. 

56:

the number of grey hairs I have gotten  along this journey. Still getting mixed readings faint pos on dollar tree tests l but neg on frer or cb, non digitals. 

Nausea was gone for most or today which was nice so I was finally able to eat. About an hour ago or so it came back full force and I'm sweating to death even tho the house is @ 75 I wonder if I am just coming down with something. Will call my obs office in the am and see if I can get a blood test. 

Dh is still out of the loop I don't want tosay  anything to him and then have it wrong. It would kill me more to say I was wrong and I'm not, I can deal with my own inner turmoil whatever the outcome is but I don't want to put him through it himself. Lets just say I'm not so optimistic like I was a few days ago but we shall see. 

UPDATE: called and left a message for my obs nurse requesting a blood test. The message on her vm said they try and return calls within 48 hours. I have a feeling its going its to be a long dayS 

Truth

Makes my heart sink but the feeling that comes with the meaning behind the words ring so true.

:(

Lines gone its not even viable with a flashlight (yes I know pathetic). 

Cd 53.

All this nausea that I though might be a pg sign must just mean i have a stomach bug.

I hadn't told dh about the pg result from yesterday. I wanted to test this morning to be absolutely sure, guess its a good thing I did. He did notice I as upset this am tho before he left for work. I guess my disappointment showed that much. 

I should be used to seeing a bfn by now, just another normal day.

A line!

Oh.my.god...... A line, a very faint line on a dollar tree test that i just took, it doesn't look like an Evap. 

Could this really be it?

Could this be the miracle we have been waiting for for sooooo long sooo many years...

I need to calm down, I can't get excited what if its wrong, ill be crushed again so badly. My mind is truly racing a thousand miles a minute. 

I've had it planned out for so long how I would tell dh when i was pg.

I feel like I'm hyperventilating I'm crying and trying to type this on my iPod. Please god, in 5 days I turn 30, make this true ill never ask anything from you ever again please let my birthday wish come true....

51

Yoohoo period where are you? I'm starting to get less than amused here....

Call back

Not thrilled with the call I got this am. Nurse calls first and said oy sounded like a gi issue instead or anything else, which I've had zero issues that would point to it (I'm very famaluir with gastroenteritis). So the end of our convo was her saying may s I needed another round of provera and that she would pass on the info to my dr.

Fast forward an hour when my dr calls, she says she doesn't feel I need more provera (I never said I wanted it to be honest), she continued to say that the cramps could be my body getting ready to have my period and he lining might not be thick enough to enduxe one. On the other hand it could be good news that I am pregnant so I am to follow up with her in a few months and see how things are. No blood work done, no questions abut how past due my period was, no question if I had taken a hpt nada so I'm back to square one where I was before I called my dr. I am just totally at a loss after that call. Maybe it's time to order some provera from ihp and some stronger clomid and try this crap again. I guess it's time to read up on hor many round you can safely do clomid and go from there. 

46

Had a fun evening with my neighbors and their kids on the 4th, grilled out, shot off some fireworks and just chatted. It was a nice change. I had really been missing the get togetherness that we had every 4th when I was growing up. Seeing tot again tonight makes me want kids so badly. He's deaf but lives life amazingly I am so jealous of how great a kid he is and how great his family has been able to adapt.

Cd46 and I'm so over this roller coaster.

I've been researching bfn with false readings and pcos. I bought some frers tonight and just want to test in the am, I think I know the answer but its always worth just another try, I guess. 

Having tons of bloating, I'm exhausted and having some odd sensations in my stomach. Too tired to go into it, can't keep eyes open a d don't want to type this on my iPod. 

Cd45

Oddest things today: Holy heartburn tonight. I've felt like I wanted a cry a couple times out of nowhere today. 

I've felt super bloated again today with some cramps still a few times a day. 

Called my ob this am to get an appt if I'm bfn which the frer says then something is going on. They (the schedulers who answer the phone) asked me it I needed to come take a pg test and I told them I honestly didn't know but that my ob knows my condition and would be able to gauge better than me.  It takes me forever to get in to be seen but I hope to hear back from the nurse at least on Friday. 

Cd45 and all i know is that something is going on. 

Baby envy

CD43

I went to a friends house tonight to drop off some coupons I had that she could use and to drop off some free wipes I had gotten a few weeks back. She has a 2 month old precious girl 'she also has two older boys one hers and one her fiances, she of course told me that babies grow up when her boy was goin nuts in the house, which of course I know ;) 

Anywho as soon as I got into her house there she was swinging side to side in her rainforest swing, content as can be. Tresea asked right off the bat as I got down to talk to the baby if I wanted to hold her. I admitted I had baby envy and didn't want to do it. This is where my heart sinks while I would love to hold one of my friends babies I know it would just make me sad and a million s other things would pop into my head that would be self destructive with my self esteem, which doesn't need anymore blows.

She then told me that she had used clomid for one moth and gotten pregnant. Ugh one month, (at 25 mg I might add)  plus she doesn't have pcos but was having issues getting pregnant. Here I am 2 failed cycles on 50mg and one failed femara, and here she is with a 2 month old, cycle one baby.

The only upside to this is that she had one of the last 2pieces of the rainforest set that I don't own and she is willing to sell it to me cheap after she is done using it. Down side to this is that I don't have a baby of my own to use it and I have an entire room of baby stuff that is just sitting there hoping and waiting for its time to be used. 

She kept saying I will use it its just a matter of when. Over 9 years later I'd think that my when time would have come and gone now.