The crossroads

I am finally here, at the crossroad of our journey. It's been over 10 years and I just can't do it anymore, I am mentally drained, heart broken as each month passes, each test I take and feel as if I die inside with each ultrasound/baby shower/baby announcement that I see by people I know, or even a passerby. I've spent thousands on tests, drugs, herbal supplements without any success and I just can't do it anymore. As I drove in my car yesterday to Walmart I heard this song of the radio (link is below) and I feel like something clicked inside my soul, immediately I thought about our journey to be parents, the pain I have held deep inside of myself; feeling worthless, ugly, stupid and so on, I drive myself crazy with these thoughts all the time and honestly don't remember the person that I was when we started this journey, it's changed who I am what I want and what I do every day in so many ways.I felt like it was my "sign", my moment of truth...

I debated not writing this entry, today but after listening to the song last night, but I feel as if the lyrics came from my soul. I came home and cried, tears ran down my face and I felt relief, that I didn't know I could have. I've always been able to come up with the words to say, the stories to tell and the emotions to describe how I feel and what I want to say, but this time is not the same and I am out of words.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2U0Ivkn2Ds

Cd32 dpo14

Cd32

Dpo14

Whelp here I am again- Although Pearl Harbor day was yesterday is seems like today is my dday persay. 

I should be sleeping I have to study for two important finals on Monday and my left hand needs a rest since my ct is making my thumb go numb a lot today. Regardless here I am awake with my mind racing (and smelling a dog that is evidently trying to fogging me out of our bedroom that is laying somewhere near my head).

Not sure if I want to test today- according to ff and my fertailaid bottle isn't due for another two days if she is thinking about making regular visits from now on. Guess I'll try and sleep on it and make my decision in the morning when I get up. I opted to get some cbdigi ones when I was out Friday to use up some of my wags rr, I decided to go with them because I feel like I am just looking at a line that isn't there on my strips sometimes this will at least help with that, I just need to remember not to tear the test apart and to take whatever the test says as the real unbiased result.

Maybe the snow that is supposed to fall tonight is a sign of good things to come-

Or maybe it's just because I'm looking for a sign that's not meant to mean anything. Enough thinking it's time to sleep, will post my decision laster this moring. 

November Chart

Thought I would post this- so I could keep better track. My cd1 last month was 30 days exactly from when I started fertilaid. 

I'm on the right...

Ugh! Bfn yesterday and a new issue today... Cd29- 11dpo 

100 million and 1

It's been a crappy day- I needed a bit of humor.

 Had awful cramps for an hour or so last night took a pg test last night as well as tonight bfn. Noticed some spotting as well, just a few bright red drops when wiping after taking the test. I don't feel like af is about to come and if she is it's almost a week and a half early. I've been drained ever since our Missouri trip this week- I have zero energy and just want to sleep. I feel depressed hoebatly and think that the fatigue is coming from that- holidays make me sad after loosing my mom dec 23rd 1997- today is the 3 year anniversary of my Oscars passing- Lollie isn't doing so well- Josh's back is bothering him and he is going for tests next week and I am coming up on finals week. 

Dreams

Odd dream last night- I put on a shirt and I looked very pregnant with a large pregnancy belly and all- and for some reason dh and I were at the store buying baby girl clothing- I remember him pulling outfits off the rack and saying that some were super cute and he wanted to get my opinion and I said something about well we need to get some boy clothing as well but he gave me a weird look and then I woke up. I usually don't have vivid dreams like that. Someone told me a long time ago that when you dream about being pregnant that you either are pregnant or will be pregnant very soon, I would love for either of these to be true. The fluttering in my stomach a few minutes ago made somehow reminded me of the dream- now I am cd 12 and according to my ff chart and my ovulation history should be ovulating in the next two days. Like I needed something more to make me obsessed with this stupid cycle. Speaking of it's time for me to poas and see where my lh is today. Dh's back is killing him, he has a drs appt on the 21st and I am worried that they will tell him no bd and activities that pose stress on his back and then we waist another cycle- one that at least came on with fertilaid without any rx medications. Cross your fingers for us please! I slept though my abnormal psych class this am so I need to kick it in gear, hopefully i will be able to focus for the two other classes that I have today. Hope everyone has a great day!

Fertil 30

I've decided to call this our fertil 30 challenge because dh and I have been on fertilaid for 30 days. Dh is having some health complications that we hope are not periment and may stop using the fertilaid; we have yet to decide

If the new issues are due to the neurontin I am giving him for his back or due to the fertilaid either way he cannot go on having this side effect because I worry it will become periment. 

Today is day 30 for me and it looks like af is about to check out for a while- I've had really sharp pains in my lower left abdomen which are new to me hopefully it's just me being hypervilligant at the moment and nothing more.

I'd love to take a pain pull tonight the sudden hot to cold shift is really messing with my fibro. I tried to do some stretching and yoga tonight in the living room but I wasn't able to push myself enough to so something as simple as the sunsitation so I decided not to push myself anymore.